Middle Aged Man Can’t Believe His Waitress is Seeing Other Tables

I don’t want to be jealous or anything…but my waitress is seeing other tables. When I first started coming to this joint, I was seated in Amber’s section. She’s a total delight, like when you speak she gives you her full attention. She puts the other waiters to shame. She makes me feel like I’m her only table. Drinks always have the right amount of ice, menus are not sticky and whatnot.

This Sunday though, the new host is kind of a putz and had the gall to seat me in Kevin’s section. I’m a loyal guy. I’m happy in Amber’s section and have no reason to stray; Kevin’s section is right next to Amber’s and I audibly hear his patrons mutter, “Where is our waiter?” He thinks he’s hot stuff because they let him bartend once in a while. Sometimes I see him vaping out by the dumpster when I head back to my car.

Now, Kevin is no Amber. He doesn’t smile, just grimaces. Why would you grimace at a 55-year-old man ordering a delightful French Onion Soup to happily slurp down? Did the cheese get stuck on my mustache? Not again! Kevin’s birthday song leaves much to be desired. I actually saw him sneak a bite of a child’s unfinished bread when clearing a table.

As I’m enjoying my soup, too much salt, by the way, I see this table in Amber’s section full of absolute drama queens who show up and ask for the 4 rolls of bread for a party of 3. I would never treat Amber that way! I treat her better than those other tables. I probably tip better too. I see her bring over a tray or burgers with curly fries and she grins as she comments, “ If they were any curlier, it wouldn’t be legal.” I thought that was our joke. Oh boy, now they’re asking what she likes on the menu because they can’t decide. Red flag- someone’s got commitment issues.

I try to catch Amber’s eye, but I don’t want to look clingy. Look at me, I’m seeing other waiters too. I’m open to it. Exclusive Shasmusive. Kevin can bring me extra ketchup just as well as she can. I don’t even really miss Amber that much. He is actually pretty nice but seems to need to remind himself to smile at people periodically. Speaking of Kevin, I better go check that dumpster because I haven’t seen Kevin in some time. Maybe I can flag Amber down just this one time. I could really go for some polite eye contact… and the check when you get a minute?

I don’t want to be clingy, but I really could use some eye contact and some ketchup. Oh, and the check when you get a minute.

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.