Nation Mourns as Inadequate Man Fails to Hit Top of Doorway

Jordan Swordsen of Pennsylvania missed the top of a doorway on his way out of the dermatology clinic on Friday sending the nation into a tailspin. Swordson, 28, had just wrapped up his second day of his medical residency, and was feeling on top of the world after giving a correct psoriasis diagnosis, when he jumped with his right arm up in the air to hit the top of the doorway, and missed by approximately three inches. Onlookers included fellow dermatology program resident Stephanie Lopez, and a few random patients and nurses. 

“When he missed, it just…really hit us all in a really big way. For a man to be that openly inadequate, and in front of people so far beneath him, it’s just, it’s more than I can—” Nurse Greta Jorgenson couldn’t bring herself to finish before welling up with tears and pushing reporters out of her way. 

A distraught Lopez refused to comment. 

Along with not cooking and making cruel jokes about peers, hitting the tops of doorways has remained an ageless form of showing masculinity worldwide. Since the invention of doorways, there has been evidence of very manly men tapping or hitting the tops of them on their way out or in, from cave paintings to documents, dating back to Mesopotamia. This recent event begs the question, if someone fails at one of these tasks, are they less male? Or even male at all? 

Ronald Stetson of The British Journal of Sociology reports that this is a huge turn of events from a sociological viewpoint.

“For someone to fail that badly, it’s just, it’s beyond words. We now have to completely re-examine the way we look at men, and boys, from here on out. But we also need to consider this from a historical viewpoint. Have others failed in the past? Were there cover-ups of these failures? And what does that say about us as a society if there were?” Stetson remarked before quickly excusing himself from the room.

Moments later, a colleague of Stetson reported hearing sobbing in the men’s room. It is uncertain whether these two incidents are related. 

Swordsen, who up until Friday was studying Dermatology at the University of Pennsylvania, was known by fellow students and professors to be an average to below-average student who has thus far gotten by with a lot of charm and privilege.

“That’s what makes this so weird,” opined Carla Clark, Swordsen’s now ex- fiance.

“When I heard about it, I was like, he what?! He missed it? By that much?! Like, I don’t even know that guy,” Clark cried before falling to her knees in despair.

Her mother then stated that their engagement has since been terminated, before joining her daughter on the ground. 

According to professors and fellow students, Swordsen has not been seen on campus or at the clinic since the incident. At a press conference on Wednesday, a spokesperson for Swordsen informed the media that he is, “Taking some time to reevaluate his life, presumably off in the woods, or somewhere equally masculine.” 

Ladyspike has reached out to various members of Swordsen’s family. Thus far none have been available for comment. Candlelight vigils are being organized throughout the country, and in some European cities. For information on attending, click the non-existent link below.

Image: MEL Magazine

Lisa Laureta
Author: Lisa Laureta
Aspiring cartoon character Lisa Laureta is a writer, voice actor, animator, comedian and creator of Sock Karen, the problematic white sock puppet. She's worked with some really famous people which means she's special and important. because when you're laughing, you're more bearable.