New Netflix Dating Show is Just 24 Titties in a Fancy House

After the unequivocal success of reality tentpoles like Love is Blind and Too Hot to Handle, Netflix has streamlined their approach for their next reality dating show, investing solely in the features of the program that keep the most eyeballs glued to the screen: big boobs and great interior design.

One Netflix spokesperson confirmed that their next hit show will feature 24 awesome titties cohabiting in a stunning, professionally appointed home. It is not yet confirmed who the titties will be attached to, but sources close to Netflix surmise that they will likely be women with faces, and possibly names. The only detail that can be confirmed is that one of the contestants will be from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

As far as the décor of the house goes, it’s a safe bet that the home will be boxy and cold on the outside. But on the inside, we can expect a crisp, modern aesthetic offset by some tropical touches, like palm fronds and rattan chairs. There will be rugs that make you think “Hmm maybe I should get a new rug?” But then you’ll go online and remember that you don’t have a nice rug because they cost like $700. Then you’ll go back to watching the show with your tongue hanging out of your mouth.

Oh, and don’t forget the hot tub! There will certainly be a hot tub, which functions as the true center of the titties/home décor venn diagram. Because what better way to feature the titties than letting them glisten in a hot human soup?

Unscripted dating shows are famously inexpensive to shoot, since it’s all done in one location. But this show in particular will cost about as much as a middle-class kid’s bar mitzvah. It’ll all be in one (admittedly gorgeous) mansion, the talent will be paid scale, and they can probably shoot a whole season’s worth of footage in a week. Because let’s be real, it’s gonna be all boobie B-roll! An old-school viewer might argue that this comes at the expense of “emotional investment in characters” or “a plot,” but think about it this way: you’re still gonna watch, because it’s on Netflix, baby. And you’re in quarantine.

From a business standpoint, this upcoming show is probably the smartest thing Netflix has done since scrapping the DVDs.

Image: The Tab

Mary Gulino
Author: Mary Gulino
Mary is an LA-based writer from New Jersey whose work can be seen online and on TV (unless you count streaming platforms as online, in which case, it's all online). She got glasses when she was two, and would love to talk optometry sometime.

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