New Study Shows Liza Minnelli Has Always Looked Like That

Stars are just like us- they put their age on one year at a time. Except for one: Liza Minnelli.

Researchers at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) have discovered that Liza Minnelli has always looked “like that,” and probably always will.

That’s right. Liza Minnelli has always looked effortlessly cool, has always worn a smirk that implies she knows more than she’s letting on, and has always had dangerously spiky jet black hair. All since day one.

“It seems impossible,” said Dr. Robbins, the leader of the research team, “But it’s true.”

“She was born smoking a cigarette,” she added. “We’re still trying to figure out how she got it in there.”

In their quest for answers, researchers consulted the personal journal of Judy Garland. Some film buffs may be familiar with Garland from her performance as Dorothy in the 1939 indie film The Wizard of Oz, though most simply known as the mother of Liza Minnelli. 

“There was one passage that grabbed our attention. The one where Judy wrote about a ‘coolness’ ritual she performed every day during her pregnancy,” Dr. Robbins explained.

Sitting in the center of a pentagram in Lotus position, Garland would chug a whiskey highball and puff on a Cuban cigar. Then, she would strap on a pair of Rollerblades, hop on a skateboard while wearing the Rollerblades, and bomb down the biggest hills in San Francisco, doing all sorts of grinds and ollies. From there, she would hightail it to the nearest amusement park and ride every single roller coaster. 

“We at the NIH cannot and do not recommend that any pregnant individual participate in any of these activities during their term,” said Dr. Robbins. “But if they did, their babies would turn out to be cooler, more attractive people. Scientifically speaking.”

When asked to comment, Minnelli responded, “I’m not going to deal with another reporter claiming they’re seeking an ‘interview’ just so they can get close enough to me to seduce me. I’ll tame my libido elsewhere. Best, Liz.”

Image: Zimbio

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.