Nintendo Confirms Yoshi Has No Asshole

Nintendo has finally put to rest one of the most hotly debated topics in all of gaming history. For 28 years, fans typed furious forum posts, broke their controllers, and fractured their friendships in pursuit of deep truth. Today, Nintendo reveals that truth: Yoshi, the beloved green dinosaur and gaming icon, does not have an asshole.

The surprise press release came in the early hours of the morning this Tuesday.

“Yoshi doesn’t poop, and the hole his eggs come from isn’t a butthole, but rather a separate entity known as the egg-hole,” read the company’s statement. 

The man whose egg-hole Yoshi sprang from, Shigefumi Hino, was delighted by the announcement.

“Since I created Yoshi, I knew he had no asshole. I’ve been begging Nintendo to clarify this for fans since 1999. That was the year I realized it wasn’t as obvious to the public as it was to me that Yoshi had absolutely no hole with which to expel waste” Hino explained, “But you could tell, couldn’t you?”

“The way I voiced Yoshi always took into account his lack of asshole. From the pitch of his voice you can actually hear the lack of orifice,” said Yoshi’s longtime voice actor Kazumi Totaki. “Next time you play Super Mario World, listen closely.”

Why did Nintendo clarify Yoshi’s anatomy now, after years of waiting?

“I was sick and tired of the whole debate, and how it was affecting Mario and his friends,” said Mario creator and Nintendo’s director Shigeru Miyamoto. “People were starting to say things like, ‘Maybe Bowser doesn’t have a butthole, either’ and ‘Luigi probably has a third nipple and that’s what makes him a coward.’ I couldn’t tolerate that. Yoshi has no asshole, and the rest of the characters in the Mario universe are 100% anatomically correct. And that’s final.”

Wow. Strong words from the man in charge. Well, we here at Ladyspike won’t debate this one. Yoshi definitely does not have an asshole!

Image: Pinterest

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.