Retail Therapy: This Sweater Will Definitely Fix All Your Emotional Issues!

I know you’re broke. It was just the holiday season, and your friends and family expected you to prove your love and affection for them by giving them expensive items they can’t regift, because you splurged for the embroidery. But also, you really need to buy that scarf to balance your tendency to date emotionally unavailable men.

Sure, actual therapy with a licensed professional is good for you and everyone should do it. EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO THERAPY. But since we live in a country that still reacts to mental illness as something we treat with a round of leaches, it’s still not that accessible or affordable. 

A session with someone who actually knows what they’re talking about can run you upwards of $200 per hour. Do you know how many shoes on clearance you can buy with that money? If they are the well made ones, probably just one. But you just feel better when you treat yourself, so follow me down the rabbit hole of retail therapy!

Please don’t. Please just go see a counselor. There are apps for that now! 

You know what also has an app? Amazon. You know what will bring you endless comfort and support? A body pillow. You know what goes great with a body pillow? A weighted blanket. With the next day delivery option you can fix your stress and loneliness in less than 24hrs! Or just spend the whole day crying in bed because you can’t get up and it’s so damn cozy! 

Getting up every morning in darkness to sit in an hour of traffic for a job that feels like it’s slowly sucking out your soul? There is an obvious solution to this problem. A fancy new bag that will make all your insufferable co-workers go, “Did she get a raise before me?” Be the gal they’ll love to hate because that bag goes with everything.

You feel you need to liven things up a little. You need something fancy. Nay. You deserve something goddamn fancy because you work hard sometimes occasionally. You don’t go anywhere fancy. You don’t have fancy friends to take you somewhere fancy. But that dress has lace and sequins and will fill the void in your heart. Charge it! Now you can make it your New Year’s Resolution to go somewhere fancy before that dress sits in your closet and you have to Marie Condo it at this time next year. 

Sure, your sister would like those dangly earrings. There is a small chance they might repair your frayed relationship that dates back to when she broke your Barbie convertible car when you were seven. Unlikely, as you loved that car and she didn’t even ask you to play with it first. She doesn’t deserve these earrings. You having them makes you automatically superior. Yes, there were some mental gymnastics that took place to get there and a licensed therapist would be able to unpack that, but at least now you have earrings. You win! 

Maybe the therapist could tell you why you bought that low cut top to get attention, or how spending money on superficial things that just clutter up your life won’t actually fix what is broken deep inside you. Maybe she’ll say how getting into debt to buy other’s affection is wrong and will ultimately make you feel even more alone. Maybe consumerism is actually not healthy at all… seriously that lipstick looks great on you but for the love of Chanel go talk to a professional.

Image: One Tree Hill

Niki Hatzidis is an award nominated playwright and actor living in NYC, which means she tries too much, cries a lot and laughs through everything. Usually Coffee stained and running late because of the MTA.