Stop Pretending: Hoodies Are Basically Just Cloaks

Hoodies, love ‘em or hate ‘em, you can’t escape ‘em. Odds are you, yes you, own a hoodie. You might even be wearing it right now!*

When you wear your hoodie, you probably feel like a totally radical skateboarder or a far-out surfer. And I’m glad you feel that way. But you’re dead wrong. Hoodies make you look like a Victorian-era nerd heading to the opera. A big, big nerd who likes to hear people sing.**

It’s time to stop pretending. Hoodies are basically just cloaks. Big, flowing robes that have been cut at the waistline to make all of us look like wizards who can’t find properly sized clothing, and aren’t good enough at magic to resize their robe with a spell.***

The hoodie exemplifies the old adage that there are no new ideas, that nothing under the sun is original, that tweets are not stolen but rather are crafted simultaneously by users in different locations.

Yes, the infamous hoodie, much like the humble 280 character joke, is a mere by-product of the authentic version. There is a lesson in all this, each person’s creation is but a branch-nay, a twig- on the tree of art.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t let people accuse you of plagiarism when all you did was slightly rearrange the sentence structure of someone else’s joke and post it from your account.****

Don’t let people bully you and stop you from doing your passion. Go and live a life free of shame! Remove your hood and show your face to the world!*****

*Author’s note: I wore a hoodie while I wrote this column, and it made me look like a Jedi with no pants on.

** Author’s note: I listened to music while I wrote this column and my roommate called me a nerd for it.

***Author’s note: I tried doing a magic trick for my roommate so she would be nicer to me, but she slapped my deck of cards out of my hands.

****But don’t actually steal Tweets, you jerk.

*****Unless you steal Tweets, then you have to lurk in the darkness of shame.

Image: Yahoo Canada Style

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.