What is that AWFUL taste? Maybe it’s bad breath. Or maybe it’s the combination of fear, sadness and rage that 2020 has put in your mouth!
I realize that in an ideal world, you’d rather pair your wine with something tasty. But garbage times call for garbage wine pairings, so hold your nose and drink to the end times. Sláinte!
Frozen Pizza Dinner #56
Pairing: Stolpman Vineyards “Love You Bunches” Carbonic Sangiovese
You began this pandemic like June Cleaver. You fed your gloopy starter and made sour dough weekly. You baked cakes. You were impressive. Then suddenly, you couldn’t be bothered with anything beyond a frozen meal. BECAUSE IT’S THE APOCALYPSE SO WHY EVEN TRY ANYMORE? It’s not delivery, it’s depression.
But for tonight’s sad sustenance, why not pair your pizza with something other than warm gin for a change? Try this chilled Sangiovese instead, which tastes like raspberries and forgotten hope. The label even reads “Love You Bunches,” like a note from a loving, alcoholic friend. At $24 a bottle, it’s definitely love you’ll have to buy, but who’s really above purchasing affection at this point?
Your Unwashed Face Mask
Pairing: Charles Shaw Chardonnay
Despite the pandemic, you’ve been masking it up and getting your daily steps in. For that, you get a gold star. But you also haven’t washed your mask in two months when you’re well aware that your face is a sweat faucet. Ew, girl.
But you know what? Since you’re already going for the gross, why not pair a wine with the inhalations of your own sour funk? The best pairing for you is a “Two-Buck Chuck” bottle of Chardonnay. If you think this choice is a punishment for your nastiness, you are correct. It is. According to a Business Insider review by reporter Áine Caine, this wine was described by various tasters as “bland and slimy,” “gross,” and “oily”. Sounds like we’ve got a match!
Reading/Watching the News
Pairing: Funckenhausen Cabernet Sauvignon
So you’re unemployed right now and your lack of work stress has left you sans drinking excuse. But wait! The relentless cycle of terrible news is here to save the day! Say what you will about Donald Trump, but he’s inspired millions of Americans to practice their corkscrew skills on a daily basis.
That being said, I’d recommend saving the headlines for late afternoon if you plan on keeping your dignity. The best pairing for you would be a wine with bitter tannins that dry out the mouth the way your ever-present fear does. I’d suggest the 2017 Funckenhausen Cabernet
Sauvignon. The name alone is an excellent stand-in for your four-letter favorite, and that comes in handy when your mother-Funckenhausen kids are around. It’s only $17 and has notes of burnt oak, which pair well with the dumpster fire that is 2020.
Bottoms up as we bottom out!