10/10 Moms Agree Your Minor Cough Definitely Got Them Sick

If you sneeze and your mom isn’t around to hear it, will you still be blamed for getting her sick? Every day, millions of Americans are recklessly coughing, sneezing and “sounding congested” in the vicinity of their mom. If you knew that all it took was one stray cough to ruin your mom’s perfect health regime, would you risk it?

Now surely you didn’t mean to get your mom sick, but regardless of the timeline of your head cold, you are guilty of your mom’s stomach bug. Even though they aren’t even close to being the same symptoms, and you were sick a month prior, it was you. Don’t kid yourself pal.

Moms have this special quality where they store their child’s sneeze or cough and squirrel it away in their metaphorical Tupperware container, then zip it into their fanny pack for the moment they feel the slightest tickle in their throat. Once your mom is in the throes of an illness, she knows just which of her offspring to blame. 

Sylvia Griesman of Vermont says, “My mom takes good care of herself. She’s on a probiotic, like the good Jamie Lee Curtis preeches. Herbal tea? You betcha! She is all about those herbal supplements. She even takes echinacea, which she admits, with relish, is controversial.”

Within the herbal community, the jury is still out on that one.

“If taken at just the right time, it is said to shorten a cold and lessen the symptoms, although others have taken umbrage with this idea,” says Dr. Gauze, who is an herbalist and moonlights as a stunt double for Dr. Oz.  

If you do get struck down with a cold, it’s important not to let on. (That is, unless, you want her to Venmo you some money for the soup at Whole Foods, which you coincidentally only splurge on when it’s on your mom’s dime). Instead, you must lay low until you’re back in mint condition. Make up reasons not to visit home until you are the picture of perfect health: your apartment is flooding, your roommates cat has been shaved as a prank and you need to plot revenge, etc. In the words of Trisha Yearwood, “When you’re sick, nobody takes care of you like your mom.” 

But for her protection, she cannot know that you are ill, so I present to you the second best doctors who will nurse you back to health. They come highly recommended! Now, kick up those feet and let Dr. Netflix and Dr. Panera To Go lead the way.

Image: Norton Healthcare

Tricia D'Onofrio
Tricia D'Onofrio is a comedian and writer from Connecticut, but not the tennis part. She has determined that 2020 will be her year, despite all signs pointing to the opposite. She always believed herself to be a unique individual, but it turns out she's just a textbook Sagittarius.