The Mona Lisa Is a Photocopy and Fine Art Is a Lie: A Conspiracy Theory

Everyone likes a good conspiracy theory. It’s fun to overthink and complicate things, rather than assuming the simplest and most obvious facts are true. A thought experiment that fuels the imagination and probably causes forehead wrinkles and high blood pressure. I got caught up in one myself recently while scrolling though an electronic feed of opinions rather than owning a library card. 

I followed a thread on Facebook between two former high school classmates. It wasted a lot of my time but completely changed my life for the better, unlike western medicine and critical thinking. This obviously well- informed person claimed that the Mona Lisa was fake. Not an earth shattering assumption, but they kicked it up a notch by stating that it is really a 500 year old photocopy. Where are the brush strokes? Was he really that skilled? I think not. It seems we’re ignoring the true genius of this so-called masterpiece by not questioning why DaVinci would Xerox a picture of some woman’s cheeky smile and not his own butt cheeks. It just doesn’t make sense. 

This got me thinking down a rabbit hole of improbability, maybe fueled by hallucinogens, but definitely true because I thought them out of nothing. What other art pieces was I forced to accept as the pinnacle of the human contribution to culture and beauty, when in reality they were a cover up of true technological genus. What other technological advances of the 16th century is Hilary Clinton hiding from us? Down with the Deep State! 

Michelangelo’s David was created from a 3D Printer. It was so glorious and awe inspiring that it was deemed a tool that society was not ready for yet. It was better to wait until it could be used to mass produce dildos molded from your ex’s schlong, whom you’re totally over. But this artistic fraud didn’t stop there. Let’s talk Sistine Chapel. He went to Kinko’s and wall-papered that ceiling right up. Who paints upside down? Wouldn’t the paint go in your eye? It’s madness that the entire world would believe this. 

Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus is definitely trying to communicate the benefits of climate change, but scientists and Greta Thunberg are just being paid by George Soros to tell us to care about fish. Rising sea levels will clearly bring us naked, but modest, women climbing out of giant shells but liberals don’t want us to have nice things. What do they have against nautical themed sexuality? 

The Girl with the Pearl Earring definitely proves the existence of the Illuminati and time travel. How else do you explain how a Sears senior photo ended up in a museum? This Youtube challenge gone awry has led to a boring movie starring Scarlett Johansson. When will the Illuminati stop interfering with Golden Globe nominations? Let’s stop the madness already! 

While we’re at it, the pyramids were just a game of Jenga where the players were just too skilled and then too lazy to clean up. Now everyone thinks the aliens wanted to send us messages by coming to earth and building these intricate architectural marvels but they were already doing that through the Dalai Lama. He even tells us he comes back over and over again. When will people stop turning a blind eye? But I digress. 

We need to give credit where credit is due. We have to dig deep into all the things books and specialist tell us and ask the question, why are these people spending all of their time trying to trick me? People need more paranoia to find the true science and facts that come from no real experimentation or research. I for one will never be able to look at Starry Night the same way again, because it’s a hologram of the matrix we are all microchipped to see as pretty swirls. You can’t fool me anymore.

Image: ABC

Niki Hatzidis is an award nominated playwright and actor living in NYC, which means she tries too much, cries a lot and laughs through everything. Usually Coffee stained and running late because of the MTA.