A local thirty-year-old man has checked himself into the downtown men’s therapeutic treatment center after finding out, once and for all, that pornography isn’t a realistic portrayal of sexual relations with women.
Inside sources say he had been spending “most of his free time on Porn Hub,” and had been slowly but surely distancing himself from friends and family due to this brutal addiction. Many who know him noted that they would try to tell him it was an unhealthy habit, but that he reassured them he could “quit any time” and that porn was giving him some “truly useful tips in the bedroom”.
“I tried to tell him porn isn’t like…a Dummy’s Guide to Sex or anything like that. I told him women need foreplay before heading into intercourse, but he just wouldn’t listen,” his Friday night hook-up cried after their lackluster and ever dry encounter.
The night before he checked himself into the treatment center, his hook-up says they were in bed, “Fooling around, and I just couldn’t get there. He touched me…you know…down there for about two seconds, and when I didn’t react, he stopped everything and asked me what was wrong. Things just kind of blew up from there.”
“He was so unaware of the fact that getting a woman off is a job. He was expecting me to moan in pleasure after him touching me for a few seconds. I told him straight up that he needed to cater to my needs too…and maybe read up on female anatomy.”
Apparently, the bomb she dropped was an eye-opener for him. It inspired him, within hours of them parting ways, to find a treatment center nearby his apartment that would help him heal and grow.
“I’m just super shocked right now. I know at the end of the day this is good for me, you know, figuring out my true manhood in a safe environment…but it’s just so damn hard. I honestly think I nearly passed out when she told me not every woman enjoys anal sex or calling me Daddy.”
He will spend the next four to six weeks in treatment, doing some heavy self-reflection and learning to re-train his brain. Experts at the center are hopeful for a speedy recovery, and hope that with a combination of being forced to listen to women voice their concerns and aversion therapy, he can return back into society a new and improved man.
Image: Last Man Standing
