This American Girl Doll Comes with Her Very Own Tiny Bong

Julie, the beloved American Girl doll and Woodstock devotee, will now come packaged with a doll-sized bong. 

“It’s important that we here at American Girl represent all types of women, even wild reefer fiends like Julie,” according to CEO Ynon Kreiz. The paraphernalia will also include a small nugget of weed that the bong can be packed with.

Julie’s earthy attitude and environmental consciousness encourages kids to forge a connection with the planet and live eco-friendly lifestyles. The functional glassware and marijuana she is packaged with can be used by her fans to help deepen their appreciation for nature. Alternatively, fans can use the weed to self-medicate their general anxiety disorders they’ve developed as a result of growing up on the brink of catastrophic climate change. 

Families are loving this latest decision from the American Girl company. “I remember taking some fat rips while Hendrix was on stage. My granddaughter used to hate hearing me talk about the good old days, but now that she has a Julie doll, she can connect with my stories. She is pretty spaced out while we chat, though,” says Mabel Gore, a lovely grandmother with bloodshot eyes. 

Children’s advocacy groups have taken issue with the new line of Julie dolls. The concern is that drugs can addle developing young minds.

But CEO Kreiz isn’t worried. “All those cats just need to chill out, man. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with a little smoke sesh with your best pal Julie. Hey, do you have any snacks?” 

American Girl has teased an upcoming change for another doll from the 70’s- the1770’s! The historical doll Felicity will now come with a case of dysentery. Wow!

Image: American Girl Doll

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.