Thousands of Protesters Across The Country Try To Figure Out What Exactly They Are Protesting

Americans rally in the streets from coast-to-coast. Even Ohio and Michigan, two states famous for never getting any action, are getting in on the action. The people’s anger is palpable, with hundreds of homemade signs about prison abolition, second amendment rights, and staying inside waving to and fro. A single question unites them: What are we so angry about?

I decided to visit the Michigan state house to try and find the true target of Americans’ ire.

“I’m mad, and it’s definitely someone’s fault,” barks Tara Flimps, a confused, red-faced woman to whom I’ve offered a spare mask. “I didn’t even want to come here, but my husband insisted. I mean, who even goes to the state house? I really can’t believe this turnout.”

I mention it’s also surprising how many people aren’t self-isolating, and Tara’s rage turns into laughter. 

“Oh, honey, you can’t trust doctors. Anyone who goes to eight years of school to learn how to slice people open is crazy.” 

Further up the state house steps, I collide with Lenny “Petroleum” Jackson, a PragerU fanatic.

“Self-isolation is basically slavery plus the Holocaust. This is what Anne Frank went through, but worse, and it’s like we’re ALL the Jews.”

I ask Lenny if he’s Jewish.

“No, but my dad is the CFO of Tesla. I’ve been to some of his coworker’s kids’ bar mitzvah parties. It’s basically the same thing.”

My interview with Lenny is cut short as we are rushed down by a wandering political junkie brawl.

“A vote for Trump is a vote for Biden,” one man yells as he punches another. “Actually, a vote for Biden is a vote for Trump,” shouts a third fellow as he decks out his opponent before taking a swift chair to the chin. Then, as if it was never there, the tumbleweed of violence rolls on, stopping only for the occasional Twitter break.

A voice, feeble yet righteous, cuts through the din. The owner of the voice is a stout little man, approximately 1.2 Danny Devitos in both height and width, named Irving Silverstone. He stands firm at the top of the state house steps.

“Please, comrades, we must not allow ourselves to be manipulated by our oppressors. We must stand in solidarity and declare in one voice: We Deserve Better!”

Protestors stare open-mouthed at Irving and he jumps at the opportunity.

“We are told that our system cannot pay for our homes, our health, our livelihood. But we know they can, and we can make them! Spread the word, comrades- the time for a general labor strike is now!”

The crowd cheers, briefly united. And then, from the back, one person cries out “I’m not sure about this guy. He seems really angry!” A couple people express their agreement, and their neighbors take umbrage. Soon, the state house is back to its state of chaos as little Irving is lost in the crowd.

If there is one thing Americans can agree on, it is to disagree.

Image: Carolyn Cole/ Los Angeles Times

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.