Top 10 Signs You’re a New Mom

1) You have no idea what day, week or month it is but you know exactly how many days old your baby is. Not to mention every intimate detail of their bathroom habits, milk schedule and upcoming doctor’s appointments from now until college.

2) There are bags on the bags under your eyes. And no amount of those cute little eye masks from Norway can make a dent.

3) Speaking of eyes, you have to stop them from rolling each time someone says “When the baby naps, you nap.” More like “when the baby naps you scarf down a piece of untoasted bread, saturate your hair in dry shampoo, wash one dish and…okay, baby’s up again.”

4) Your Google history is all about milk. You’re either trying to make more, or make less or obsessively comparing obscenely pricey formulas with Dutch names you cannot pronounce.

5) You’ve perfected a Pink Panther cartoon walk so as not to wake the sleeping baby. But somehow that baby can still hear the tiniest exhale you make as you finally close your eyes: playtime!

6) Your new “binge watch” is a baby monitor. Netflix and no chill: nothing much happens but you can’t look away.

7) You’ve lost count of the number of times you cried today. Happy tears, sad tears, tears of gratitude you drank a sip of your coffee while it was still lukewarm.

8) You wildly alternate between craving human contact and not wanting to venture into the real world ever. Your new besties deliver for UPS, Amazon and Postmates.

9) You’ve cursed out a piece of fabric. You never thought you’d be bested by a swaddle, and befuddled by how your child is getting out of it all the time.

10) You can’t wait for your baby to go to sleep, and when they do, can’t stop staring at pictures and videos of them. “Babe, look, she was so little!” “…That was yesterday.” You can’t help it, you’re so in love with this new creature that has turned you into a feral version of yourself.

10) You lost count of 10 in a top 10 list. Wait… what? What am I writing? Is that ten…? Oops, new mom alert RIGHT HERE. I feel you and I see you… because I am one of you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to dry shampoo my curls into oblivion.

Image: Susan-Kate Heaney

Susan-Kate Heaney (Los Angeles, CA) @sue_kate Susan-Kate Heaney is an actor (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, The Mindy Project, Masters of Sex), writer (multiple one-woman shows, webseries, movies) and new mom (Clover). She loves comedy and performs live often (improv, stand-up, sketch). She is the host of a podcast called "The Quirks" and spoiler alert... she has many of them. ​