What I Should’ve Submitted: A Millennial Cover Letter

To the assistant of the person I actually expected would be reading this email,

I hope you’re having a great freakin’ day being employed!

I, along with the 300 other applicants with the same degree and experience applying for this one job opening, would like to be considered for the position.

I am currently drowning in student loan debt so that I could obtain both a bachelor’s and master’s degree in this related field, even though you are requesting an arbitrary, alternate degree for this position. I have 3 out of the 5 years experience you are requesting for this entry level job, as well as many other personal and professional expertise you won’t consider valuable. I have also noticed that the expected hours of work is conveniently under the required hours that would obligate you to give me health insurance. I of course will be willing to muster through the “occasional” extra hours and duties you’re saying might, but will most definitely, be required of me for no extra pay.

I would like to clear the air in saying that I only have 2 years experience on the computer program you mentioned, not 4 as you would like…because the program came out 2 years ago. I’m sure that’s a clerical error. If you actually do take a second to glance at my resume, and not just where I studied, you will see that I am a perfectly capable and intelligent person, who has not been living in an underground bunker for most of my adult years. I have been in the workforce since I was sixteen, and can probably figure out the shit I don’t know once on the job. I see that you are not willing to give me an adequate training process, which is fine, because I am in fact a mind-reader as required in the posting.

I ultimately think I am perfect for this role, as my desperation for food and indoor accommodation will ensure that I show up and do the required work every day. I’ve always been a self-starter, especially when my anxiety is telling me this is pertinent to my survival. I am also really good at faking enthusiasm and joy (Not a fake orgasm innuendo). Unless you really did mean it when you said someone with a good sense of humor is a must, then yes, that was a fake orgasm joke.

You probably didn’t read this because you stopped looking after about the 20th applicant, but I thank you for your time nonetheless.

I don’t expect to hear from you, but if I do, I hope it’s in the form of a generic rejection email without my name in it.

Sincerely,

An overeducated, young person who inherited an economy the generation before me ruined, and will ultimately never be able to own a home, retire or afford salmon. Also known as a “lazy” millennial, causing the demise of the diamond industry and Applebees.

Image: The Recruitment Desk

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Niki Hatzidis is an award nominated playwright and actor living in NYC, which means she tries too much, cries a lot and laughs through everything. Usually Coffee stained and running late because of the MTA.

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