Why You Shouldn’t Date Your Dog Even Though You’d Really Prefer It

She’s a great snuggler, always letting you choose which spoon you want to be. She doesn’t shirk back at the thought of PDA. Her adventurous spirit makes you feel young again, and yet she’s not so high strung that she can’t contently chill for a lazy night of Netflix. Her love is unconditional. Your parents love her! She listens to your problems without trying to interject her opinions or advice. And while you hate to think of it ever ending, if it came down to a breakup, your assets would likely be quickly and easily split. However, there’s a reason your bff should remain in the friend zone. She’s a dog. 

Listen, I love my dog too, and I’d way prefer having her as my so-called soul mate to some low-rate human being. However, after mulling it over the past few years, weighing the pros and cons of dating humans and dogs, I’ve realized that every relationship comes with its issues, even this seemingly perfect one. 

The first issue that came up was jealousy. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always found it difficult to date someone who’s better looking or more charismatic than me. People will always like your dog more than you, which will eventually cause a rift leading to passive aggressive jabs before finally erupting into a messy public fight in aisle twelve of Target over something stupid and inconsequential like water dishes. There’s also the matter of her jealousy. Every time you leave the house you get a big pout, and you might even come home to find that your favorite shirt or lamp has been destroyed out of spite. While she can shamelessly flirt with all your friends right in front of your face, you’d better not even think about coming home smelling like another dog! These limitations on your freedom might lead to you finally asking for an open relationship. And we know how that ends. 

Dating your dog will also not allow an escape from the truly disgusting things that humans are capable of. The days of wondering who’s texting your partner so late at night might be long gone, but what remains is someone who follows you around the house ensuring that you smell the warm wafts of fragrant farts. Also, kibble breath is no joke and even with a good teeth cleaning, the root of the problem, regular fecal consumption, will never be truly attended to, even if they “promise” to go to therapy. 

Don’t forget that you might not have as much in common as you think. Sure, you both love eating ass, but that’s about where the commonalities end. There are a lot of places she can’t go with you. And have you ever thought about the fact that politically you might not be on the same page? 

Image: Bravo TV, 2015

Lisa Laureta
Author: Lisa Laureta
Aspiring cartoon character Lisa Laureta is a writer, voice actor, animator, comedian and creator of Sock Karen, the problematic white sock puppet. She's worked with some really famous people which means she's special and important. www.LisaLaureta.com because when you're laughing, you're more bearable.