Woman Banned From Grocery Store for Bullying the Virgin Olive Oil

A woman was forcibly ejected from Piggly Wiggly in Milwaukee early Saturday morning after harassing a bottle of extra virgin olive oil.

“So there I was shopping, when all of a sudden I see this nerd-ass olive oil that’s never even banged one out. Naturally I had to dunk on it for being such a loser,” said Rekha Boychik, age 20, who tormented the condiment. Boychik is now on a wall of “Unwelcome Shoppers” and has been banned from the store indefinitely.

Of course, we’ve all gingerly teased a food or two in our youth. Whom among us hasn’t giggled at a chicken breast or made a classic monterey “jack-off” joke? But witnesses say Boychik’s brutality was beyond the pale.

“The snickering and teasing was terrible. We tried to avoid kicking her out of the store, but when she threatened to give the bottle a swirly, we simply had no other choice,” said shop owner Mart Stockton, before breaking down into a full-on weep.

Another bottle of extra virgin olive oil saw the whole affair. “I was shaking so hard my cap came loose. The terror was overwhelming… I was sure I would be next.”

To make matters worse, a group of children joined in on the teasing. The kids fled the supermarket following Boychik’s removal. They were also inspired to start a social media campaign, #LetRekhaShop, in an effort to unban Boychik from the Piggly Wiggly.

“Young people these days have no respect for virgins,” commented Piggly Wiggly regular Dodge Watson. “I didn’t fuck until age 41, and no one ever gave me trouble for it. Then again, I also didn’t wear a big sticker that said ‘virgin’ on it, so perhaps the olive oil itself is to blame.”

Despite the ban, Boychik believes she did nothing wrong. “I don’t know what everyone is being so sensitive about. The kids loved it. And if you can’t trust immature, social-media savvy people with underdeveloped senses of empathy, then who can you trust?”

Image: What’s Cooking America

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.