Woman Cures Seasonal Depression By Making Oatmeal at Midnight

Does the sun set too early? Is the cold bringing you down? Do you need a quick, simple and healthy reminder of why life is worth living? I know I do. When the hour is late and life feels empty, nothing helps ground me quite like a delicious bowl of Midnight Oatmeal.

Friends and family are always asking me about my Midnight Oatmeal. They say things like, “Are you okay? I heard you listening to The National in the kitchen real late last night,” or “I’m glad you have oatmeal, but are you sure you don’t want to try therapy?”

Basically, it seems like folks are clamoring to learn my recipe for Midnight Oatmeal. Well, clamor no more- with this guide, you’ll be able to make a great bowl of oatmeal even if you’re sobbing through every step of the way.

When it comes to making oatmeal, there are two primary methods: You can cook it on the stovetop (I call this the TryHard method), or simply zap that bad bowl in your microwave (this is known as the Easy Method for Cool Bitches Who Don’t Need a Hug But Would Appreciate One). The TryHard method is rather involved, so I’ll cover it in a separate post. Regardless of which method you choose, you’ll want a ratio of ½ cup of oats to 1 cup of water, milk, or a combination of the two.

Midnight Oatmeal protip: If you add your tears to your oatmeal water, you don’t have to salt it later!

Once you’ve measured out your oats and liquids, combine them in a bowl. Then, open your microwave door, put your bowl in the microwave, close the microwave door, and press “2” to heat your oatmeal for two minutes (press “3” to add a minute if your microwave is low wattage or if it sucks shit). This should give you the perfect midnight oatmeal consistency of not-too-runny, not-too-chewy, and just-mushy-enough.

Midnight Oatmeal protip: Open your microwave door with one second left on the timer to keep it from beeping! Your sleeping roommates will appreciate it. Plus it helps distract from ennui by making you briefly feel like Tom Cruise defusing a bomb in Mission Impossible.

So you’ve got a perfect bowl of oatmeal- time to dig in, right? Wrong! Throw some toppings on that bad bowl. You want savory oatmeal? Add some shredded cheese, sriracha, a chopped veggie. Or maybe you prefer a sweet oatmeal. Slice some fruit, chip some chocolate, toss in a generous sprinkle of cinnamon and brown sugar. Fuck it, it’s oatmeal, you can put anything in it! Get crazy, toss in whatever you can find in your fridge or pantry. 

Midnight Oatmeal protip: Smoking a big bowl of weed before eating a big bowl of oatmeal will make it taste better, no matter what toppings you use!

Image: Cooking Light

Author: Maya Satin
Maya is a Boston-based sketch writer, improviser, and vampire. When she isn't doing a show, she can't be found, so don't try looking. Also, a construction worker once cat-called her sandwich.