Woman in Quarantine Would Give First Born Child to Put on Spanx Again

Sources say a local woman has expressed downright outrage about her inability to “dress to impress” during quarantine, and she has said some “pretty extreme things” about what she’s willing to do to make it happen again.

“I don’t know, it’s just been awhile,” Cynthia Mel reported earlier. “At this point I’m willing to do anything to just…be me again—an uncomfortable woman in spanx. I’d kill for that. I mean I know I’m not a mother yet—I’m nine months pregnant though! But I can tell you right now, I’d give up my first-born child to just go out in those motherfuckers again.”

Authorities say they are keeping a close eye on her to make sure she doesn’t, in fact, give up her first-born child in a shady way. She is expecting in about a week, and is incredibly eager to not have that baby bump holding her back. Although entertaining, the video footage of Mel screaming, “EFF BABIES, EFF MUFFIN TOPS, AND EFF COVID!” will be kept confidential until news stations know where on earth to air it.

For those of you struggling with being in pajamas all day, please make sure you have someone to talk to during this turbulent time. If at any point you want to make risky sacrifices, reach out to a loved one. In the coming months, we are predicting an alarming number of babies to be put up for adoption in the name of undergarments, or perhaps even worse. If you know of someone who is feeling a little rebellious because they can’t get glam, please know that help is possible. Recovery and healing are just moments away…and don’t forget: we’ll be doing a lot better in 2022, right?

Anna Snapp
Author: Anna Snapp
Anna is a Brooklyn-based actor and writer, trying to figure which is more important to her: taking down the men on dating apps who refer to themselves as "humble", or watching enough terrible reality TV to officially lessen her value. Anna believes in progressive politics, Dua Lipa, and mediocre boxes of Sauvignon Blanc.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *