Once upon a time, the fates conversed, the stars aligned and you met a Prince.
It was love at first sight. You met Charming while swiping through dating profiles and he just had the right picture of himself holding a fish while shirtless to make you weak at the knees. You swiped right. He swiped right. He enticed you with a simple “Hey.” How straightforward of him! He asked about your weekend. He was so interested in your interests from the start, and showed such self-restraint when waiting a whole two hours before sending you a dick pic.
The first date was so romantic. He brought you to an overpriced gastro pub disguised as a dive bar and told you all he knew about IPAs, which was a mind-numbing amount for someone who claimed he had a full-time job that wasn’t bartending. He also insisted that you try all the flavors that taste the same to you because you like vodka. But his passion was magnetic.
You kiss him first. He’s too much of a gentleman to initiate, but he asks you to go back to his place immediately. There’s a lot of tongue. He wants to devour you. He must be really into the fact that you have a master’s degree and volunteer at your local pet shelter, even though he didn’t ask you about it. He must just sense it. He is a sensitive man and that is so rare.
After a short cab ride and some second base action in the back seat, he ushers you into his basement apartment and past his three roommates sitting on the couch into his “cozy” bedroom. He turns on some dubstep music to serenade you into a passionate night of love making that lasts four minutes. But the cuddles… oh the cuddles make you swoon all over again before he starts snoring like a buzz saw that’s losing the will to live.
The next day he texts you that last night was great, and now you know you hooked a caring soul. A kissing emoji? Could he be The One?
“When can I see you again?” he types.
You imagine breathlessly, and suggest this weekend? He has plans.
“How about tonight?” he asks, and recommends you just come straight over to his place.
“He can’t keep his hands off me,” you squeal with joy!
A few weeks go by and Charming is as charming as ever. He texts you every morning with a “Hey beautiful” and an eggplant emoji so you know he thinks about you as soon as he wakes up. This is what true love looks like. You go to delete your dating app on your phone, why bother with mere peasants when you have the prince of your dreams? He treats you like a princess by holding the door open for you into his place, taking your coat off before tossing it to the side, and promising to save you from the loneliness of dating guys that just want you for your body, because he asks about your day sometimes.
But wait… what’s this? He has changed his profile picture since you two matched. And he has updated his description by mentioning a book you recommended. Could… no, it cannot be. Could Charming be cruising for side chicks after saying he was really into you? You have to confront him! But keep your cool. Timing is important and questioning him while he’s off his guard after a blow job seems like as good a time as any.
He says you’re not like the other girls he is seeing, and that you never told him you wanted to be exclusive. He should have mentioned that he was ethically non-monogamous, but he still would like to sleep with… hang out with you. You should have known since he never really called you by your name, and other than his love of beer and sex you really didn’t know much else about him. How could you have fallen into this trap by repeating the same mistakes? You blame the fish. Never again.
Well if he can get back out there… or right, he never stopped…so can you! You start your search… you’ll know when you see him. You’ll find your Prince, one who is truly interested in just you… in a non-stalker kind of way. Oh, look! This one has picture of himself with a baby captioned, “Not my baby.” He must be a very tender lover. Swipe right.
Image: Snow White/Giphy