By Casey Navarro
Since moving to LA, my level of basic white girl has skyrocketed. I’m drinking fresh pressed juice from a paper straw. I’m walking around in a sports bra and yoga pants like it's socially acceptable. The other day, I participated in something called ROGA, where white girls from all over the city come together to run along the beach and then do seaside yoga directly after. Jesus Christ, I love it here.
Here are a few helpful tips to disguise your basic white girl (BWG) tendencies, while still partaking in what makes you happy...like being a secret smoker or using an alias when you play Halo.
1. The BWG latte
This is our staple. If we don’t have an iced latte in our hands while shopping, why did we even get up this morning? The trick with this is to make a few tweaks so your order sounds a little less basic. For example, ask for some turmeric. Or, even better, ask if you can replace the almond milk with your own breast milk.
2. The BWG t-shirt with a profound saying on it
The other day, I accidentally bought a shirt at my yoga studio that I thought said Namaste... but, it said Mamaste. I am not a mom, but I still wear it. A lot. I think the solution here is to get a tattoo of your favorite saying instead. Don't put Be Present or Breathe on a shirt, put it on your lower back. Girls with tats are not basic, even if the saying is.
3. The BWG selfie
Don’t worry, you don’t have to stop selfies all together... but like um maybe take a few less?Just kidding, keep it up. The followers you paid for love it, and we need to keep up your fan base so that one day we can use your platform to promote something important, like dog sweaters made out of recycled Fanta bottles and all the proceeds go to a homeless vegan.
4. The BWG Uggs
Raise your hand if you own a pair of Uggs. More than one? More than two? BE HONEST with yourself cause like I obvi can’t see you right now. Whether it’s winter, spring, summer, or fall we the white girl herd are rocking these comfy kicks cause like they're so soft in the inside duh. Also, super practical because they can get wet if you buy that spray and coat them in it twice a day. I think the only solution here is to just not leave your house. Stay inside. Do you, but in private. Honestly, if most of your wardrobe is yoga pants and boots you subconsciously are trying to stay in.
5. The BWG squad
Ladies! You are like my best friends. #squadgoals #bridetribe #hashtag. No basic white girl is complete without at least three other women that she looks strangely similar to. Having a squad that supports your goals of sleeping with the guy at the bar with the man bun is all well and good, but maybe find a squad that also holds you accountable for your morning hike or challenges you to finish that passion project. Community is so important and good friends are hard to find, so if you found your Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda, hold onto them.
6. The BWG toy dog
Personally, if I see a toy dog, my instinct is to drop kick it, but I’m not discounting the benefits of being a basic white girl who can fit her dog in her purse. It’s convenient and cute. I also want someone who counts on me and is always excited to see me. That’s what I thought dating was like, but I was wrong. My hot tip for this is yes, still rescue a dog...but maybe pick a real dog like a German Shepard or one of the ones that looks like a giant mop.
7. The BWG duck face
This mouth shape technique is everything. The minute you do it, your cheek bones sink in and you look so skinny and malnourished. To make this ritual less basic, slap on a lipstick by Lipstick Lobby before you pout, because 100% of the proceeds go to real causes supporting women like Planned Parenthood and The unPrison Project, a partnership with Gloria Steinem herself. www.thelipsticklobby.com
8. The BWG witch shit
I think crystals are just fucking rocks, but I can get behind anything that makes a BWG feel empowered. Whether it’s a full moon ceremony or a $17 candle that’s supposed to attract a lover, I will allow it. My only thought is, the next time one of your squad members comes to you with a real problem, maybe just listen to her before you realign her chakras.
9. The BWG vocal fry
Unfortunately, since we have vaginas society automatically assumes we’re idiots if we put some inflection at the end of our sentences. My feeling is, talk however you want to talk, but also go to law school. We can all be Reese Witherspoon.
10. The BWG obsession with The Bachelor franchise
At some point, you have to know your worth. We all need to stop watching. It’s not good anymore. The people they choose...I’m just like nah I don’t want to come along on your journey. What I do want, is for all my fellow basic white girls to date IRL like they are the Bachelorette. We can all gaze at the ocean before an afternoon date, or search for a man that will run towards us at a park for one of those weird ass legs around the waist hugs. We can ask for transparency and continue to believe that fireworks will play after a good first kiss, but you can’t live your life if you’re watching someone else’s.
Image: Hello Giggles/Mean Girls