By Jess Pfohl
We’ve all been there. You’re with your friends and something along the lines of skincare comes up.
Your memory flashes to you and your boyfriend popping your pimples for way too long, him perching you by the lamp just so, getting the perfect lighting to see your blemishes and demolish them.
It almost comes tumbling out of your mouth “Oh, I never pop my own pimples anymore," and then you realize the implications. The social shame, the following ostracization, the nomination to go on Dr. Phil. All of that looming in your future, you need to find a way out.
What do you do? Try these handy tips below!
1. Quickly make up the name of a fake aesthetician
No one’s going to look up the name, so this is a good time to be creative. Let’s say my boyfriend’s name is Frank, so my process of coming up with a name on the spot would be something like this:
“Oh yeah, Dr. Frank…I mean, Dr. Franken, he’s German. Dr. Franken...stein. Yeah he’s great!”
Whew! Disaster averted.
2. Turn off Planet Earth
One of the top ways mutual grooming comes up is from a nature documentary. I mean, two monkeys picking lice off of each other is a huge reminder that people can do this kind of activity too.
So, when someone suggests watching Planet Earth, push for watching Blue Planet instead. You will just have to hope that the symbiotic relationship where remoras eat gunk off of sharks won’t make them think of the way your boyfriend cleans your face.
3. Remind your friends that skin is the largest organ of the body
When you’re worried that you’re about to overshare, just be the friend that gives the helpful little tidbits instead. Reminding people that the skin is the largest organ of the body will bring them back to when teachers scolded them for drawing on themselves.
"Now Ms. Pfohl, would you draw on your liver? Would you draw on your spleen? Then why would you draw on your skin, it’s the largest organ in your body”.
Sooner or later you’ll be complaining about Mrs. Hourihan from Spanish class instead of talking about how your boyfriend picks and prods at the largest organ of your body. Namely, your skin.
4. Reveal a different embarrassing secret about yourself
The best way to hide the truth is to mask it in other truth. You were about to tell them that your boyfriend popped that giant zit on your face? Just share how you ate your twin in utero. People really don’t know what to say to that, I promise.
5. Reinforce sexist stereotypes
If all else fails, go for the archaic, terrible, awful, sexist, route. We didn’t want to, but no one cared that we ate our twin, no one cared that we had Dr. Franken as an aesthetician, no one cared that we were watching Blue Planet, no one took the bait of reminiscing about Spanish class.
So the best thing you can do is just remind them that guys don’t care about appearances or skincare. I mean, what guy moisturizes? What guy knows more about skincare than you? What guy pops pimples for his girlfriend because it’s fun? Aside from my boy.