By Jen Saunderson
Hindsight is 20/20 but we’re still scratching our heads to understand who thought
rape, sexual assault and blatant racism were hi-larious during this MTV soaked
decade. Here are nine movies (out of many) that have not stood the test of time,
or even their initial runs.
A group of teens from the 1950’s decide to lose their virginity the ONLY way they
know how... in a group? By paying a sex worker in a run down nightclub? This
movie is the pinnacle of “boys will be boys.” The BOYS also peep on their female
classmates while they’re showering and one of them, Tommy, sticks his dick
through a peep hole converting it into a glory hole for some good ole’ fashion 1980’s fun!
In real life Tommy would be charged with indecent exposure and have to register
as a sex offender. Can you believe they made four of these films with the last
one released in 2009?
If acting coaches in LA telling women to dye their hair, and change their name so
they sound more Latina to get parts doesn’t bother you... how about a man
leading a double life by dressing up as a woman to land a soap opera role that
he feels he is owed, because he can’t get any male roles. When life’s too tough
as a white man, don’t worry! Just put on a dress and usurp the limited roles for
Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
You want to root for the nerds, it’s THEIR revenge but holy shit! This is the movie
that teaches women who were already scared of frat boys to also be on high alert
for the seemingly nice guys. Apparently they’re out to trick you into
having sex, taking nude photos of you, and then using said photos for a charity
event by exploiting your body in front of the whole school. The main nerd Lewis
takes the quarterback Stan’s knock off Darth Vadar mask to trick Stan’s girlfriend,
Betty, into having sex with him. That’s some next level dark side shit! Everything
the nerds do in this movie outside of their killer musical number would have them
royally cancelled. Watching the movie now I find myself rooting more for the jock
Alpha Beta house and Ogre! NERDS!
Sixteen Candles (1984)
This classic coming of age film begins with Molly Ringwald, as Samantha, getting
felt up by her grandma on her birthday...and it just gets crazier from there. You
have Long Duk Dong, an Asian foreign exchange student saying lines that would
become stereotypes for decades to come. Then there’s the “dreamy” Jake Ryan,
who admittedly refers to his drunk and passed out girlfriend by saying he could
“violate her 10 different ways if he wanted to.” Cool J-Ry, way to have some
restraint. Instead of putting his PASSED OUT girlfriend in a safe space, he lends
her out to a pervey freshman to gain intel about Samantha. The freshman and
passed out girlfriend have sex but not before he shows her off to his friends.
Police Academy (1984)
Because being sexist and harassing your co-workers is hilarious! But, what’s
more fun is hiring a sex worker to filate your boss and mentor while he’s giving a
speech. Apparently consent doesn’t matter and that may be why they made six
of these films!
Soul Man (1986)
It doesn’t take a Ted Danson (remember when Becker did blackface?) to know
that this movie is wrong! It’s centered around C. Thomas Howell, who plays Mark
Watson, a spoiled rich kid who gets accepted to Harvard Law School but is
worried he won’t be able to pay for it because his dad is spending too much
money on himself! What? He’s not just shilling out money to his adult son? Gasp!
This wouldn’t happen if he was Lori Loughlin’s son! However instead of getting a
job, a loan, or exploring ANY OTHER reasonable option he decides to apply for a
scholarship. With all of his family’s wealth and privilege there just isn’t a
scholarship that will pay for all of his schooling. Maybe get two scholarships
then? He decides the best solution is to use tanning pills sorry, blackface, to pull
a Rachel Dolezal and steal an African American scholarship. Apologies if you’ve
just thrown your computer across the room. Oh, he also falls in love with an
African American student named Sarah who is the very person he stole the
scholarship from. Fuck you Mark!
Short Circuit (1986)
Apparently 1986 was the year of white people pretending to be people of color!
Enjoy this sci-fi classic where a white actor, Fisher Stevens, pretends to be a
South Asian scientist complete with accent for 98 minutes. Johnny 5 may be
alive, but this film is not woke.
Apart from literally growing horns to indicate that he’s horny and going to a
brothel, this lecherous ghost with the most tried to marry Lydia Deetz against her
will! Making the high schooler a literal child bride to the dead. Also known sex
offender Jeffrey Jones plays Lydia Deetz’s father, so no wonder she feels more
comfortable with a dead Alec Baldwin playing surrogate dad. Alec will just leave
you cruel phone messages instead.
Say Anything... (1989)
This movie focuses on a DEEPLY codependent boy, Lloyd Dobler, who is half a
step away from becoming Mark Wahlberg in “Fear.” Diane Court has worked her
ass off to be the valedictorian and has big plans to study abroad in London. Her
father has embezzled money to help give his daughter a better life and is thrown
in jail for it by the IRS. What has Lloyd done? He has zero plans but to turn a
teen summer romance into his life’s mission by hanging on and following Diane
around. Where you gonna sleep in London Lloyd? Diane’s dorms? How’re you
gonna make money? You don’t have a work visa! Lloyd Dobler might be a good
summer fling, but if he really loved you he wouldn’t hijack your life and opportunities.
Luckily films have become more sophisticated since the 80s and we now can all
enjoy great films like “Shallow Hal,” “Chasing Amy,” and “The Love Guru.” Oh,