By Maya Satin
Candles flicker and drills whir. Gurgles and spits of ages past, present, and future echo through chambers filled with reclining chairs and old magazines. A Man In a Labcoat solemnly takes his place at the head of a dias and bangs a toothbrush-handled gavel. From his seat of power, he proclaims:
Nine out of ten dentists agree! Brushing your teeth to a heavy metal cover of the Power Rangers theme song is cool as hell!
The landmark decision was made by ten dentists from across the globe at the biennial meeting of the High Council of Dentists. Each dentist was handpicked by the High Council’s chairperson, Arthur Hookenmeyer- known to the Oral World as The Man In The Labcoat- to pick what song was best to brush to.
Thanks to hours of painstaking research and near-endless perseverance, we have procured interviews with the ten tooth doctors in that room. As per Tooth Law, the identities of each dentist shall remain anonymous.
Dentist 1: Our first step was to narrow down a genre. Classical music, jazz, and opera were out right away. There are some great standards from artists from those genres, but we needed something a little more hardcore. But we didn’t want to swing too far in the other direction, so we also eliminated Norwegian death metal, grunge, and Christian rock.
Dentist 2: It became clear pretty quickly that we needed to pick something with mass appeal. I mean, if you’re alienated, you don’t feel cool as hell, right?
Dentist 6: I think that if people can’t appreciate art, they don’t deserve to feel cool.
Dentist 4: We know you think that, . He’s the only one who didn’t like our final decision, by the way. He kept insisting it should be a classic rock song. What does that even mean? Like, who decides when rock becomes classic?
Dentist 6: The people decide!
Dentist 9: That doesn’t mean anything and you know it.
Dentist 3: Once we agreed...well, once most of us agreed....that we needed something with mass appeal, we started thinking about television themes, since so many people know and love them from their childhoods.
Dentist 5: We spent a long time deliberating about which show’s theme was best. Frankly, longer than we should have, because the Power Rangers theme song slaps so goddamn hard.
Dentist 8: But there was still some “oomph,” some je ne sais quois, that was missing. We didn’t want people just being sort-of cool when they brushed their teeth, we wanted them to be cool as HELL. That’s when  pulled up a heavy metal cover of it up on Youtube.
Dentist 2: Oh please, it was nothing, really.
Dentist 7: It was everything. That was the moment. We looked around and we just knew, you know? We knew that was the one.
Dentist 6: [Mumbles unintelligibly]
Dentist 4: What was that?
Dentist 6: I said, “It’s a song for children!”
Dentist 10: This coming from the guy who only listens to what his parents played in the car on road trips.
Dentist 6: It’s CLASSIC!
Dentist 5: You’re just nostalgia-laden!
Dentist 2: You only call things classic because you feel morally superior for liking them.
Dentist 9: Now the Power Rangers theme, that’s classic. Go Go Power Rangers!
At this point, the interview devolved into the one dentist trying (and failing) to fight the other nine in hand-to-hand combat.
Image: iStock/Mental Floss