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Convicted Serial Killer Is Awkwardly Not a Tidy, Misunderstood Hottie

By Tricia D'Onofrio


We’re coming live to you from convicted serial killer Justin Timmon’s house in the outskirts of rural Indiana. Justin is holed up in his duplex awaiting trial and has declined opportunities to speak to the press. Luckily, I found his neighbor Darla Jem was amendable. Quite amendable.

"I don’t want to drag anyone’s name through the mud, especially if he may get released…but inquiring minds want to know. The kid is an awkward raggamuffin. He’s kind of a slob. He looks like the Dry Eyes commercial guy and he’s like 26. I thought serial killers were supposed to be charming and tidy? This boy clearly slept through that memo.

For starters, he doesn’t wash his recyclables before putting them out. Literally it takes two seconds. He goes through 4 cases of that seltzer thingies.. Whine Claws? I hear him yell through the wall something about no laws with the claws or something. I sometimes have to bang on our shared wall to tell him to keep it down.

When I put my recycling out, his side of house is covered in empty bottles of condiments. He goes through an obscene amount of bottles of mustard and EZ Cheez. I’m not talking monthly, or even biweekly. I’m talking about a new bottle each week. How many soft pretzels can one eat? Also not to be nosy, but as a far as I can tell, he throws all of his socks after one wear. I see dozens of socks hanging out of his trash can. Must have a foot thing going on, I reckon?

I was telling Olivia Benson and Munsch over there that he must have been raised in a dang barn because he’s always leaving his door ajar. Sometimes I’ll walk by with groceries and see him trying to cuddle up with his snake, baby talking it like it’s a sweet puppy dog. I shouldn’t say this, but he even created a sad little snake Olympics set up in the yard.Sad! Snake people are something else, huh? Bless his heart.

By the way, I saw the CSI folks take his sofa away. It wasn’t pretty. I got it on my Motorola, but it’s pretty blurry. I swear, he clearly didn’t even try to get blood out of that sectional. It looked like someone got a bloody nose and then sneezed. Everyone knows you have to dab it and lift it with some club soda. At least blot it with a rag! What’s the matter with him? My momma would turn in her grave if she saw something like that.

Nobody’s perfect. He’s not all bad though, he lets me and Huey use his Netflix account and he uses my HBO. We are both loving Westworld these days. That Deloris is a firecracker! Eh, what can I say? Guess we all got a few skeletons in our closets."


Image: Consequence of Sound

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