By Niki Hatzidis
I have spent a lot more time drinking while on the internet since the global lockdown was enforced, and I have unearthed some conspiracy theories from my own brain. I have come to some very troubling conclusions that I have convinced myself and my cat are true. I don’t believe that the lockdown and Women’s History Month coinciding at the exact same time is a coincidence. I think women have been planing this world-wide takedown for a long time now.
For far too long women have had to hear from the Chad's of the dark web that they do not need a whole month to themselves to celebrate their accomplishments. After all, they have given us Mother’s Day and it has been five years since they were allowed to tell us to go make them a sandwich. Can’t women just be satisfied? The answer to that is, since there are still far too many finance bros that couldn't find the clitoris even if it was a new IPA, absolutely not.
So women got smart for the first time ever in men’s view and created a deadly pandemic. As everyone is aware, misogynists love the economy... almost as much as they love explaining it to women on dates at a dive bars. And by "dive bars," I mean the ones that pose no threat in giving you a staff infection, and are filled with a sea of white men who think Eminem invented rap music. Women decided enough was enough and shut down all of the gastro pubs and crashed the stock market.
Now, men have to stay home with their families and take care of their own children while also trying to maintain a career, their home, and social life. You know, like women have had to do since the beginning of time. Welcome to our little estrogen filled world! Wait until your manboobs come in. Now there is no place to hide when we are being “crazy” on our period, fuckers! Cue collective manic, evil laugh.
As a bonus, the quarantine got rid of sports! Men’s only real joy other than denying the privilege that came with their penis. Now women are speaking up and asking them to finally put up those shelves they said they’d do 5,000 weekends ago. Everyday is the weekend hubs, paint all the floor boards and turn your man cave into a personal home spa for your Queen, peasant!
Single women contributed to this coup just so they wouldn’t have to see any more gym selfies on dating apps. Men have to actually work hard on some good old fashioned, Jane Austen- esque wooing, because the chances of them seeing a breast in the next month are lower than the chances of Americans receiving their stimulus checks on time. As a surprise to only straight men, women have not missed seeing pictures of your “massive destroyer," sweetie.
Now this plan isn’t perfect. It has its downfalls, like all the death and rethinking our desire to make tiny version of ourselves that we now have to teach math to. This happened in 1918 too when we were trying to get the right to vote by killing all the men, but the Spanish flu ended up delaying us a whole year. Oopsy! We rebranded in the 60’s by creating a conflict in South East Asia so we can get brith control and credit cards without our guy’s approval. Bottom line is women are nothing if not crafty, and instead of just a meager month to celebrate us we have taken control of the planet. Just look at all the female leaders who have put policies in place to help their citizens and have out shined all their male counterparts with their grace, intelligence and compassion. Women have stepped up big time.