By Lisa Laureta
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! At least for those of us who are passive aggressive and slightly to completetly problematic. For the rest of us, the holidays can be a time of suffering and endurance, particularly those who are queer, childless, and well, fun. For us, the holidays are similar to running a gauntlet, if the swinging blades were replaced by nosey aunts and the soldiers were racist, homophobic grandparents. So for those who tend to suffer more than sleigh the holidays (sorry for that one), I’ve put together some tips and tricks on how to successfully navigate your way through this troubling time.
When your aunt, mom, and grandma start commenting on your lack of a husband, calmly let them know that you’re simply waiting for the right dog to come along to act as ring bearer. Such things cannot be rushed. Or, inform them that you did get married, however state law doesn’t recognize marriage between humans and centaurs. Then, explain the importance of voting for pro-centaur candidates in the upcoming election. You could also tell them that you’ve been married with 2.5 children for seven years now, but your sweet hubby chooses to take the kiddos to your in-laws because the conversation and food are better. Plus they’re more attractive and much much richer.
Another alternative to lying about your childbearing, is to dress your dog as a baby and treat her as such the entire day. Talk about feeding and changing schedules and how you’re so glad she’s finally sleeping through the night! But oy, the breastfeeding! Likely they’ll be too drunk to notice, but your one cool cousing will think it’s hilarious, and after all they’re the only reason you’re there.
As a reply to your cousins queries about who you actually like out of the democratic candidates because they’re all, “A bunch of money hungry coastal elitist blah blah blahs...” answer her question with a question, but make it a good one. Something along the lines of, “Tell me again why you were never able to attain your teacher’s license?” will do quite nicely. As an alternative, you could ask if she needs you to breathe into her car DUI thingy before she leaves.
When your uncle’s on his second beer, because let’s face it, it doesn’t take much, and the N word makes its first appearance, ask if everyone’s seen the latest leaked celebrity dick pics. Then go ahead and Google it for them, make sure everyone sees, especially your uncle. Ensure that he gets a good long look at why he harbors such fearful feelings of inadequacy. This has an added benefit, as it’ll trick your family into thinking you’re all about that dick, and, after all, that’s the only way a woman can truly be happy, isn’t it?
No matter what happens, keep stuffing your mouth. With food, with booze, with the Christmas tree skirt, literally anything. Then, when interrogation time rears its ugly head, your mouth will be so full that the ugly truth won’t be the only disgusting thing spewing from your wretched mouth.
My final words of advice, and really the only message you need take away from this entire article: if your family is terrible STOP GOING HOME. You’re an adult now. You make the rules. Just like you can eat ice cream literally any time of the day, even if you’re walking the aisles of Home Depot looking for the right screws, you can also choose to not sit through miserable people trying to drag you down to their level. Stay home, make a great meal for you and your dog baby. It’s the only way to have a truly happy holiday.