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I Started a Technology Detox and Wound Up Amish

By Tricia D'Onofrio


I am currently a viral Zoom sensation. I had to use the little girl’s room so I turned off my video and volume, but Zoom had other plans. When something horrid happens, it’s a sign that you’re doing too much. It was time to unplug, but in a way that will get me attention. So I did the only logical thing: I went Amish.


I drove out to Ronks, PA and called every Amish adjacent BnB possible. They told me that travel was unwise at this time, so I lied and said I was stranded alone there and God would want me sheltered. Thank goodness their faith mandates hospitality. I basically enlisted for an Amish internship. I was determined to still look snatched in my frock. Like Hillary Duff in Cadet Kelly I had to prove that I belonged, but instead of learning to dance with a rifle, I had to prove I could milk a cow and cook sweet potatoes. (Before all this, I mostly would do take out from Fong’s or Illiano’s pizzeria, or I would eat cheese and crackers if I was in the mood to cook.) I had a lot to learn. Who knew mayo was in so many dishes?


Soon, they had me on Buggy Tour duty with this hottie named Aaron. He doesn’t have a beard, so pretty sure that means he’s single! All of the tourists are basic, gawking at our humble lifestyle. At the end of the tour, we head over to a farm where an adorable Amish child hops on the buggy and starts his Pennsylvania Dutch sing-songy chant, “Cooooookies and Pretzels- 2 dollars each!” Hezekiah gives me life...oops,I mean..he’s a blessing!  


I’m super happy in my life, out of the grips of technology’s chokehold. I don’t even think about heading back to my old life. Although I probably should have told my roommate I was leaving..and my boss, Kelsie, who was super nice about everything...and my parents, who help with rent. Well, maybe I can use my phone on the DL, just for a few guilty pleasures.   


In fact, this new life has actually made me so stable that I’m planning on getting back on social media. Just because I am living a life full of hard work and discipline doesn’t mean a girl can’t have a little fun. One of the teens on the last buggy tour mentioned a new app called Tik Tok, which sounds cool AF. I mean, what if I was the first Amish girl on Tik Tok? Talk about cornering the market! Amish Ana can dance. This time I’ll go viral on my own terms. 


Image: QIAP

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