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I Would Never Call a Woman a Bitch, Unless She Steals My Good Pen

By Mary Gulino


My feminism is an important aspect of who I am. I am proud that my words and actions reflect my commitment to equality for all people, regardless of gender. That’s why I’m so particularly opposed to gendered insults like “bitch.” You’ll never hear that word cross my lips, except for extreme circumstances, like when a woman steals the Good Pen on my desk—the smoothest pen I have ever owned, the one my uncle got on a business trip when they put him up at the Ritz Carlton.


I’ve never been to the Ritz Carlton, but when I hold that pen from my uncle’s hotel room, I feel as important as someone who is worthy of entering a Ritz Carlton. When I click that pen, and feel its precise design give way to my descending thumb, all my problems melt away. If anyone tries to take that feeling away from me, they will immediately become my sworn enemy. And honestly? I might start to use some choice words that are otherwise banned from my vocabulary. Yeah, okay I’ll say it: if you put any distance between me and that pen, you are a straight-up bitch. Let me explain:


The pen is perfectly weighted, as if designed for my hand and my hand alone. It makes it all the crazier to imagine someone attempting to steal it. That’s like trying to steal my prescription glasses. Like, what sort of benefit will you get from those? They’re literally made for my body. Same with the pen, bitch. You don’t have my hand, so you won’t appreciate its perfect fit.


Okay if you don’t understand where I’m coming from and you still wanna be a bitch about it, then fine. Here’s what you do. You ask to borrow the Ritz Carlton pen. You sign yourself out using the pen-borrowing ledger I drafted up and displayed on my desk in anticipation of people lining up along the hallway trying to get a piece of the smoothest ballpoint you’ve ever experienced. (NO, you don’t sign yourself out with The Pen itself—you use a normal goddamn Bic for that. Watch yourself, your entitlement is truly off the rails.) Once your request has been approved, you can operate the Pen on loan for the agreed upon allotment of five minutes.


If my Good Pen comes back in the same condition I lent it out in, you live to see another day. If it comes back dirty or the lettering has faded or IF THE HARDWARE UNDERNEATH THE SHAFT OF THE PEN HAS BEEN COMPROMISED IN ANY WAY…I’ll see you in court.


Image: The Wrap