By Tricia D'Onofrio
Thank you for coming to the back alley. Discretion is key in this way of life. When you’re the head of the snake, it puts a target on your back, capice? The snake being the wedding entertainment industry, mind you. My associates are the finest in primo party entertainment. To start, I’d prefer you not call them DJs. It’s kind of like how your PE teacher doesn’t want you to call it gym. It’s a bit presuntuoso, uppity.
They DJ, sure, but they are also responsible for the entire vibe of the wedding. They take this role seriously. They put together flawless bangers, flagging songs from the Do Not Play List and rejecting song requests with a smile. How many times do I have to tell everyone? Evanescence is just not wedding music! It’s on the sweet sixteen list with all that teen angst gobbledigook.
DJs don’t work at the party, they are the party. I prefer the term "party entertainers" to put a bit of respect on the profession. They’re part of a union, with a generous benefits package if I do say so myself. The Primo Party Entertainer’s Union, or the PPEU for short, strives for solid working conditions.
A job where you spin records until your heart’s content? Check. You get to drink during your shift? Check. You get a free chicken parm with marinara, contingent on playing the chicken dance before 9pm? Again, check. That was a big win for us. We’re currently lobbying for a strobe light for each party entertainer, but we’re getting pushback from Big Grandparents. Something about how “it’s a religious ceremony," and "not a rave.”
Union dues are simple, one gold chain per year or 4 lasagnas a year made by a certified nonna expected on minor holidays, like Boxing Day. What parish does your nonna belong to? St. Sebastian? Good answer pal. My guys will cross check, but it sounds legit. In return we offer protection from cheapskate, stressed out FOBs, MOBs and SOBs. Just kidding on the last one, but we do provide relief from pesky song requesters who just want to hear “their song.” The nerve of people.
Donato will show you the ropes for a few weeks. Bring dinner because that parm isn’t yours until you’re solo. Donato’s one of the greats. He’s like a hibachi chef out there. He does a bit with a smoke machine and makes a human volcano. He can do the Cha Cha Slide between push ups instead of claps. The guy’s got a gift. Study his ways, just don’t get in the way. Let’s just say the last guy who did found himself on the wrong end of LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem vinyl. Now, if you sign on the dotted line...good. Undo three more shirt buttons...perfect. Get that hair standing up straight. Welcome!
Image: Wedding Window