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"Just Dump Chad and Go to the Gym Already!" Woman Cries as She Fails Her 2020 Resolutions

By Anna Snapp


It was the end of 2019, you had just finished belting “All I Want For Christmas Is You" for the twentieth time, and it was time to think about how you wanted to bring change to

your life in the new year. You desperately wanted to get out of that toxic hookup that

has been going on for far too long, and you know all you did over the holidays was

move from the dining room, where you ate too much turkey, to the couch, where you

drank too much Sauvignon Blanc.


Logically you know a guy who only sends, “You up?” texts at one in the morning isn’t worth your time, and logically you know you can’t keep packing on those pounds...But isn’t it easier to just get laid consistently when you’re feeling like you need validation, and to splurge on that plate of fries that won’t give you a heart attack until you’re like, sixty years-old or something? 


“I am an independent woman who doesn’t need a man!” you exclaim to your best friend, Stacy.


“I would love to get back into shape, you know, so I can be ready for our Miami trip," you say with passion…and maybe with a secret hint of self-doubt. 


“But you have low self-esteem and need a man to make you feel good," the little devil on your shoulder whispers in your ear.


“But the gym is a whole fifteen-minute walk away," he reminds you.


“He has a good point," you think to yourself.


I mean, maybe it isn’t so bad if that twenty dollars for your Blink Fitness membership gets taken out of your bank account every month. It’s just twenty dollars, right? That fifteen minutes feels so far, and Chad isn’t that bad of a guy.


He’s just really busy with work and everything. He’ll come around. 


And the 2019 habits continue. But it’s not that big of a deal. Come on, you’re trying your best and next week feels like a better time to start so much change…right? 


Image: Kelly Kapoor, The Office