By Courtney Blomquist
"Tell them that meal evoked horrific childhood memories for you. That it was plated in a way that was messier than your parents divorce."
I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking, how should I spend all this new found free time? And I’m so glad you asked that, because I have the answer: Take my writing course on how to write a shitty yelp review! We’ll cover topics like, how to get a free meal just for being scary, and how to call someone a “see you next Tuesday” without getting your review flagged! Okay, that last tip was a freebie. I got you, girl. Wink Emoji.
Sure, you could be doing something else with your time, like learning Spanish or attempting macrame, but why would you try to do something that you know you’ll suck at? I see you girl, (I ACTUALLY SEE YOU RIGHT NOW) and I know how depressed you are. And you know what else I know? That writing a nasty yelp review makes you feel 100% better… than other people! So give me $150 and we’ll get started!
Okay, fine, I’ll give you another free tip. Have you ever watched one of those fancy chef shows on Netflix? Well the chefs are always like, “I was trying to evoke a memory from my childhood with this disassembled lasagna," or whatever. And let’s say you eat that lasagna and it’s as terrible as it sounds. Well, when you write a shitty review of that $17 pretentious blob, you need to get dirty. Don’t limit yourself to saying that “disassembled” must be the word they use to describe an entree that’s toppled over by mistake. Don’t stop by saying it wasn’t hot enough and seemed like it was microwaved. No, girl. You need to throw that memory shit back at them like a mean girl with a dodgeball. Tell them that meal evoked horrific childhood memories for you. That it was plated in a way that was messier than your parents divorce. That it tasted as bland as the first guy your mom dated after your dad. That you’d rather eat a TV dinner in your dad’s post-divorce apartment. Bring them to their knees and make them grovel for the opportunity to give you a free meal.
It may seem harsh, but how harsh would your acid reflux be after a meal like that, am I right? Don’t be afraid to be a victim. Because you are a victim, girl, and your low-rise flare jeans make that pretty clear.
So buy my course! If you do, I totally promise to stop looking in your window. I accept Venmo or toilet paper.