By Tricia D'Onofrio
With the surge of food allergies and unique dietary needs, more and more establishments are becoming transparent about what they put in their food. That is, everywhere except for at your Aunt Lorraine’s. Coming in hot off a three-holiday suspension, Aunt Lorraine is catching some heat from her family for misrepresenting her food.
Self-proclaimed ‘favorite niece’ Megan Bettinger said, “Everything seemed good when we arrived, but my aunt had a little twinkle in her eye when we started to visit the buffet. I should have known something was up after last time, a near-violent altercation for putting peas in the lasagna.”
According to our latest reports, once everyone had started to dig in, Aunt Lorraine sat back and smiled the biggest smile. She hadn’t grinned that much since her childhood, when she would sneak a snake into her brother’s pillowcase. When she couldn’t take it anymore, she
emphatically stated, “Now that you’ve all taken a bite, you’ll never guess what I put in the mac and cheese!”
What happened next was a mass spit out, with such panic and force that the dog hid under the couch. Everyone ejected their food, certain they’ve been victims to arsenic poisoning, or worse.
According to witnesses on the scene, Lorraine began clapping her hands and chanting, “Guess, guess, guess!” akin to Rumple Stiltskin.
“We know. Nuts!” Cousin Brett whispered loudly.
Poppa tossed his napkin down, “Nuts in the mac and cheese? Think of the children. Lu!”
Uncle Buddy began vigorously wiping his tongue with a cloth napkin and shouting, “Not again!
”The kids' table was especially rocked by this bombshell," Calvin, aged 7, said. “We don’t ask for much. Just an 87 cent box of Craft. I don’t even know what that was, but I do know that it’s weird. I hope we go to McDonald’s on the way home.”
Even Cousin Paul, “the vegan one," has taken a stand against Aunt Lorraine’s misstep.
“As a vegan, honesty about what is in your food is essential. Lying is a huge no-no. I can’t help but think that maybe she’s losing her grip...It may be time to put her in a home.”
After a hushed living room meeting, it was decided that Aunt Lorraine would be permanaently banned from hosting the cooking holidays and instead be relegated to the July 4th barbeque because as Uncle Kenny said, “You can’t mess up a hot dog.”
Image: The Office