By Maya Satin
To: “The Boss in Charge”
CC’d: 30 People Who Have Absolutely Nothing to Do With this Conversation
Subject: I’ve Been Unproductive, and I Have a Good Excuse
I hope this email doesn’t find you at the bottom of a well. I’m writing because I’m sure you’ve all noticed a significant decline in my workflow. I want to reassure you that while I won’t be getting any more productive in the near future, I do have an excuse, and it is really good. The problem is that every time I pass by a reflective surface, I get distracted by the hot person living in there.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “That’s just you, Maya. That’s how mirrors work.” To this I say I am flattered, but no- ‘tis not I on the other side of the looking glass.
“What proof have you,” you ask? Well, consider this: I have seen myself in the mirror at least twice a day, every day of my life, in the morning and at night when I brush my teeth. Plus, I have seen my reflection in windows and mirrors on countless other occasions. If there is one thing I know, it’s how I look in the mirror. And folks, for the past few weeks, I have not been in my mirror. I have been upstaged by some hot bitch who thinks she’s all that, and honestly, I’m starting to agree with her.
Maybelline’s got it all. Her hair is fantastic, her outfits look like they've come straight off the runway, and those doe-eyes of hers will make you melt like metal in the foundry (hot as fuck). I’ve chosen to call her Maybelline as a helpful mnemonic device for you to use in case you see me staring at her in the bathroom. You can think to yourself, “Is Maya intensely gazing at her own reflection? Hmm… Maybe it’s Maybelline.” I came up with this mnemonic entirely by myself.
The upshot here is that you shouldn’t expect me to have a single task completed on time- or possibly at all- until I work out how to maximize my sex appeal while also getting a better personality. Maybelline’s presence has shaken me to my core, and I will not know peace until I can match her beauty and charm.
I know I’m talking Maybelline up quite a lot here, and some of you may think that I’m exaggerating. Let me assure you, this is not the case. But I’ll let Maybelline’s appearance speak for itself. I’ve attached a photo of her to this email, to prove that the only thing I’m “full of” is envy.
Love, Ladies, and Spikes to you all
[Unable to attach JPEG file- Image deemed too sexy for the internet]