The 5 Poses Putting You at Risk During Goat Yoga

By Julia D'Angelo

You thought you smelled like a barnyard animal after yoga before? Try it with live goats! Now, in addition to accidentally farting in a room full of pretentious people, you’re at risk of foot in mouth disease. Sure they’re bleatin’ cute and love launching onto yogis in crow pose (as if they need more validation), but yoga studios in cahoots with the local petting zoo are not addressing this cold hard fact: Goats will eat anything, and you smell like dinner in that splayed power pose, girl. What I’m saying is, the goats want to eat you worse than you want to brush up against that moderately attractive Movember in the grocery store. The difference is, you already paid for this mishmash county fair and workout class you ol’ goat! Should you turn and run to the nearest barre studio? Namaste right here bitch. You’re a goddess, and you deserve to be touched, even if it’s by a goatee that doesn’t belong to your species. So close your eyes, and get limber for the five poses putting you at risk during goat yoga!

Child’s Pose Ok, it’s not the most powerful of poses... but it’s the first time you’ve been able to relax all damn day, and it is most certainly the first time you will feel a pair of tiny horns poking between your sit bones. Is this hot yoga or is it just me?

Fish Pose This pose is presenting the exact part of your body it infers, and the goats are looooving it. Suddenly you are not only present, you are humming with positive vibes. Three breaths later, your Good Samaritan side kicks in and you wonder how many goats you could fit in the tiny house you intend to construct. Keep your toes pointed, these goats can get choosy!

Downward Facing Dog You haven’t been touched in weeks and suddenly you’re the puppy in the window. Woof! Unlike a petting zoo, there are no pellets for purchase to woo your fellow four legged friends-with-benefits. The only bartering tool you have is your sweet, succulent human parts. So why not give those goats what they want and host a goddamn goat harem with back door access? Try peddling the same feet that were marinating in ballet flats all day to entice every barn animal in the room. You dirty dog! Goddess Maybe it’s the lack of ventilation, but you can’t tell the difference between beings at this point...and you’re one with the stench. Only a goddess could be real enough to admit that she is intentionally airing out her business in a standing squat spread wide enough to suckle two medium sized goats. They’re trained to sense auras not pheromones, right? Sink deeper into this pose with every audible bleat.

Plow This is it. You’re presenting your butt like a bootylicious chair every goat wants to sit on. If it’s within your practice, touch the floor with flexed feet and brace yourself for awakening. The goats no longer hold a tangible form. Everything is colors and many smells. Wherever you land in your practice, honor yourself and let the goats use teeth. It’s about experiencing this moment in this space with this bristly buck toothed Casanova. Happy Baby You’re back in the womb. Floating. Safe. Warm. Until you open your eyes and realize every goat in the room wants you worse than your dog wants to destroy your period trash can. Maybe it’s time to head out for Shavasana on the train. No one will smell the difference, and you need to show off this post goat yoga glow before Billy G. Gruff asks for your number. Press your thumbs to your third eye and bid the barnyard goodbye. Goat yoga can be risky business, but you’re a bleatin’ heart yoghini and it’s time to hoof it to your tinder date. Life is all about taking risks, and now you have the energy to scale a mountain or nibble a shirt collar. Here’s to hoping he’s as tall as he says he is! 

Image: Seattle North Country/Snohomoish County Tourism Bureau

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