The 5 People You Meet on the Precor Elliptical are Also the Five People You Meet in Heaven

Updated: Sep 12, 2019

By Mackenzie Moore

You may have noticed a new beach read hitting your local bookshop this summer

that will leave your ears ringing with a tinge of nostalgia — a spicy prequel to the

beloved Mitch Albom novel, The Five People You Meet on the Precor Elliptical has

been praised as “an apt precursor," as these same five people will become the five

people you meet in heaven. Before you buy the book, do you recognize any?

The Reader: Regardless of gender, the Reader is always with current issue of

something, be it The New Yorker or Astrology Today. They manage to pull their

limbs back and forth with controlled fervor while keeping their gaze dead set on the

pages that waft back and forth in front of them under the breeze of the fan. Be wary

of Readers, they have penchant to linger unnecessarily in the spirit of cardio.

The Talker: The Precor serves as their pulpit: once they step onto the sliding slats, it

signals to everyone in the gym that they’re open for conversation. The Talker often

has recently returned from a jaunt in the Galapagos or had a bevy of moles removed

and must share all the juicy details of these unique experiences.

The Over-exerter: They’re making the machine shake like it’s Northridge ’94 all

over again. They have zero qualms about potentially blowing out a kneecap or

sending droplets of perspiration onto the next machine. Very much a species

believing more is more, they will spend ten minutes in such a heightened state of

motion that when they dismount the Precor, they’re often a little woozy and

vulnerable to falling into conversation with The Talker.

The Prancer: Light. As. A. Feather. The Prancer is hydrated, alert, and focused.

Podcasts, MSNBC, 90’s rap music – nothing can vex the Prancer. The Prancer has

paid their taxes early, overpaid the parking meter, and made quiche, which is at

home waiting in the fridge. The Prancer has transcended beyond #goals, and is

simply a moving embodiment of #achievement.

The Loyalist: The eyes of a Loyalist waft as a cross between dead and don’t you dare

cross me. The Loyalist has one machine that is territorially their own. Loyalists are

chameleons in that they can be pot-bellied older gentlemen, small baby-faced teens,

or anyone between these genders and age ranges. Do not cross the Loyalist or try to

parlay their machine, or you will not make it to heaven to meet them again.

Image: Precor Home Fitness

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