By Mackenzie Moore
You may have noticed a new beach read hitting your local bookshop this summer
that will leave your ears ringing with a tinge of nostalgia — a spicy prequel to the
beloved Mitch Albom novel, The Five People You Meet on the Precor Elliptical has
been praised as “an apt precursor," as these same five people will become the five
people you meet in heaven. Before you buy the book, do you recognize any?
The Reader: Regardless of gender, the Reader is always with current issue of
something, be it The New Yorker or Astrology Today. They manage to pull their
limbs back and forth with controlled fervor while keeping their gaze dead set on the
pages that waft back and forth in front of them under the breeze of the fan. Be wary
of Readers, they have penchant to linger unnecessarily in the spirit of cardio.
The Talker: The Precor serves as their pulpit: once they step onto the sliding slats, it
signals to everyone in the gym that they’re open for conversation. The Talker often
has recently returned from a jaunt in the Galapagos or had a bevy of moles removed
and must share all the juicy details of these unique experiences.
The Over-exerter: They’re making the machine shake like it’s Northridge ’94 all
over again. They have zero qualms about potentially blowing out a kneecap or
sending droplets of perspiration onto the next machine. Very much a species
believing more is more, they will spend ten minutes in such a heightened state of
motion that when they dismount the Precor, they’re often a little woozy and
vulnerable to falling into conversation with The Talker.
The Prancer: Light. As. A. Feather. The Prancer is hydrated, alert, and focused.
Podcasts, MSNBC, 90’s rap music – nothing can vex the Prancer. The Prancer has
paid their taxes early, overpaid the parking meter, and made quiche, which is at
home waiting in the fridge. The Prancer has transcended beyond #goals, and is
simply a moving embodiment of #achievement.
The Loyalist: The eyes of a Loyalist waft as a cross between dead and don’t you dare
cross me. The Loyalist has one machine that is territorially their own. Loyalists are
chameleons in that they can be pot-bellied older gentlemen, small baby-faced teens,
or anyone between these genders and age ranges. Do not cross the Loyalist or try to
parlay their machine, or you will not make it to heaven to meet them again.
Image: Precor Home Fitness