By Megan Sass
For queer ladies, the only thing more disappointing than a straight girl is a straight girl who just won the world’s highest honor in professional soccer. After all, you didn’t listen to years of your middle school classmates calling professional female soccer players “too sweaty,” “gay” and “too sweaty not to be gay,” only to discover that a number of professional female athletes are, in fact, straight. But, if you feel like you’re the only avowed lesbian vanquisher/bi-more-than-curious queen/lady panther cry-heaving over Alex Morgan’s insta, know this: YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
Here are some suggestions for dealing with your crush on a totally crushable straight US Women’s Soccer Player:
1. Remind yourself you don’t have a chance with the gay members of the team, either.
Lez be honest, the problem isn’t the team these ladies don’t play for, it’s the team they do play for: THE FREAKING FOUR-TIME WORLD CUP CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM. In other words, you have a precisely .00001% greater chance of dating a gay member of the US Women’s Soccer Team than a straight member of the team. Granted, that’s roughly the same chance that Alyssa Naeher had of living up to the likes of former goalie Hope Solo and she fucking DID IT. So dream your dreams! Just know that they’re probably futile.
2) Vent about it on social media.
We used to need poetry in printed type to know we weren’t alone in our struggles with the human condition. Thankfully, where there used to be Ignatow, there’s now Instagram. And tweeting/insta-storying your elusive crush over hottest-soccer-mom-of-all-time Jessica McDonald doesn’t just provide catharsis, it’s also a great way of telegraphing to other never-make-the-first-move-bi-ladies on twitter that you’re DTFO: Down To Flirt Online!
3) Get Another Crush By Googling The Shit Out Of The Queer Players
The sad news is, straight women exist. But the great news is, queer women exist, and this includes at least 40 soccer professionals from this year’s Women’s World Cup! Did you that the U.S. team isn’t the only soccer team with queer women? If you didn’t, I mean duh, there’s queer women everywhere, pay attention. Outsports reported that there were 40 out LGBTQ participants this year alone! You can start your fawning by checking out this pic of Brazil’s Marta Vieira da Silva holding a puppy.
4) Go Meet Ladies Who Like Ladies In Actual Real Life
Now get off the Google, and go bemoan your heartbreak over ladies you never had a shot with anyway, by interacting with another human lady who feels the same way! Drown your disappointment in a friendly adult beverage, and then her face (or another part of her body, as long as you’re both figuratively and very literally down with that). Rapinoe can rebound on the sports field, you can rebound at the sports bar. GOOOOOOOOAL!