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Woman's Mustache Announces Long Awaited Comeback Tour

By Mary Gulino


It’s been seven years since anyone has glimpsed at Marianna’s mustache. After keeping a low profile—probably due to unwanted criticism from the unforgiving public—the ‘stache is finally back in the spotlight, baby! 


It is scheduled to tour Marianna’s entire apartment during quarantine. Performances will include appearances in the bedroom, living room, and bathroom, plus some zoom events sprinkled in here and there. 


Marianna’s mustache hasn’t made a public appearance since she went on a two-week camping trip in college and couldn’t bring any grooming products with her. Friends close to Marianna have heard rumors for some time now that the mustache may resurface into public life, but it was only on last night’s video call that their suspicions were confirmed.  


Tracy, a longtime friend of Marianna, associates the mustache will warm feelings of nostalgia.


“Gosh, I haven’t seen that thing since I was in low-rise skinny jeans. Those were the days! I just wanna drive around with that mustache with the windows rolled down.”


Presumably many others who share Tracy’s fondness for the relic of their formative years would be willing to pay top dollar to see it come back onto the scene, even just for one night. 


Co-headliners of the Marianna’s mustache’s tour include Marianna’s unibrow and sideburns, as their maintenance has all ground to a halt in the times of COVID. There have also been some rumblings about surprise appearances from her armpit hair, but that last detail is yet to be confirmed. Regardless, what a line-up! Nothing but hits! 


The only person who isn’t eager for this rare comeback tour, it seems, is Marianna herself. “Honestly, with all the shit going on right now, I’m too tired to care about…anything?” 


When asked how long the mustache’s tour will last, Marianna could not give specifics, but those in her inner circle can attest to the fact that she goes grocery shopping every other Sunday. Presumably, her next outing will include a replenishment of Nair and bring with it the end of this exclusive mustache sighting. 


All the more reason to snag your front-row seats while you can! 


Image: Giphy

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