Pregnant Vegan Determined to Eat Placenta Until Actually Sees Placenta

I have been a vegan for many years, motivated by a desire to save the planet while impressing those around me who do not have the willpower or moral conviction for this particular way of life. And a way of life it is! I would hardly call it a “diet,” as to my ears that suggests hardship on a mundane level. My sacrifices are more galactic, but they are necessary for the well-being of not only this earth but other solar systems as well.

It is of course important to me to raise my children with the same values as I hold dear. While we can all agree that children as such are in fact terrible for the planet, my brood will be raised to counterbalance all the harm that their mere existence causes. I plan to plant a tree every time I use a disposable diaper, not with my own hands as I will be using those to hold the baby, but through a neat Instagram account called @offsetcarbonbaby. #blessed. 

When I have my first child next week, one of the ways I am going to make sure that no animals will suffer in the creation and sustenance of this child is to make sure I can breastfeed her as long as possible. I read in the Vegan Mother’s Bible (applicable to all denominations and religions) that eating one’s placenta is a reliable way of ensuring the breast milk will flow generously. I am so excited! To share with my child the very part of my own body that had sustained her while in utero, so I can then continue to sustain her for another 4 years. It is pure magic, the ultimate “reduce reuse recycle” project. I. Cannot. Wait.

*Two weeks later*

OMFG! Have any of you ever seen a placenta? The Vegan Mother’s Bible had not illustrated the placenta-eating chapter, and now we know why. Reader, that was some gross glop. OMG. I mean, it was nice that that piece of veined blue meat had fed my child for 9 months but there was NO way I was going anywhere near it. My doula did ask if she should put it in the freezer in case I changed my mind, and I was like hell no. I’m uncomfortable eating a Beyond Burger as it reminds me too much of the real thing, you think I am putting that in my mouth?

I do feel a little bad that I was unable to fulfill my commitment to sustainable breastfeeding, but I did recently find out there are other great ways of ensuring nursing goes smoothly. Turns out an actual burger is much more delicious than its “incredible” alternative, and it is great for baby too. 

* no vegans were harmed in the writing of this article

** any resemblance to actual people is entirely coincidental

*** Mom and baby are doing fine

Lalita Dee
Author: Lalita Dee
Lalita Dee is a writer and comedian originally from Amsterdam. Her observational and narrative humor describes her queer experiences as she navigates her way through the US, the heteropatriarchy, and single motherhood. Her humor has been described as “intelligently hilarious” as well as “some feminist BS."