Queer Ally? This Dude Only Cums When He’s Absolutely Certain The Other Person Knows Liza Minnelli is Judy Garland’s Daughter

On the surface, local bachelor Ethan Richards may seem like a run-of-the-mill straight guy, thanks to his love of football and video games, and his questionable past with a fraternity affiliation. But at his core, Richards is a champion of LGBTQ+ rights and has moved mountains for the community through his brave actions.

Richards, who has been unattached for most of his adult life, plays the field liberally and hooks up with different people on a regular basis. But he does put one important limitation on his own sexual satisfaction. Richards only achieves orgasm when he’s positive that the other person involved knows their basic Hollywood lineage. Specifically, they must be aware of a genealogical fact that is patently obvious to many members of the queer community. 

“In order for me to climax, I have to know that the other person knows Liza Minelli is Judy Garland’s daughter.” 

Said Richards’ childhood friend Chase, “Ethan has really gone above and beyond for the cause, and his service has not gone unnoticed. When I came out to Ethan in ninth grade, his support for me never faltered, not once.” Chase is not surprised, therefore, to hear how Ethan goes out of his way to make sure the people he’s hooking up with are strong allies as well.

Always eager to engage in fun, healthy, consensual sex, when Richards is hooking up with somebody, he maintains constant verbal communication. He makes a habit of asking his partners “Is this okay?” at regular intervals and only moves forward if he receives an enthusiastic affirmative response. Then, in the heat of the moment, he culminates each experience by popping the question: “Who is Liza Minelli’s mom?” 

“I try to keep it hot by whispering in their ear, but yeah, I just straight up ask them without any context. Most people don’t mind the little pop quiz, because the factoid is super common knowledge. At least, it should be,” said Richards.

Though Richards hasn’t kept a log of people’s responses, he estimates that about 95% of his sexual encounters have been able to proceed as normal, because the women involved knew who Liza Minelli’s mom was. Good for them! 

Richards recalls one particularly disturbing occasion, however, where it became evident that not only did the woman not know the answer, but once she was told the correct response was “Judy Garland,” her eyes did not indicate an ounce of recognition. Ethan concludes that she altogether didn’t know who Judy Garland was. In that moment, he felt hurt and confused. At the same time, he knew that moments like this were precisely why he had this question on hand as a precaution. 

“I thanked her for a nice evening, but asked her to leave right away.” Ever the gentleman, Richards paid for her Lyft home, even though he wanted nothing to do with her from that point on.

“I’m not a hero,” insists Richards. “In the grand scheme of things, a lot of things in life are more important than sex.” Richards knows where his priorities lie, and for Richard, his priorities include that single piece of trivia—and, by association, his alliance with the entire queer community. 

Mary Gulino
Author: Mary Gulino
Mary is an LA-based writer from New Jersey whose work can be seen online and on TV (unless you count streaming platforms as online, in which case, it's all online). She got glasses when she was two, and would love to talk optometry sometime.