Back-to-school shopping is in full swing! This year, queer kids around America are packing notebooks, pens, and an unhealthy attachment to their English teacher to get ready for the first day. While the students prepare to idolize the person who will introduce them to the word “quintessential,” English teachers are battening down the hatches.
“I love these kids,” English teacher Ms. Pine began, “However… I have a sneaking suspicion they’re going to invade my one hour of peace every day at lunch to tell me about their relationship problems.”
While the teachers are loving-yet-jaded, the kids couldn’t be more stoked.
“My freshman year English teacher said the F-word in front of the class,” sophomore Brandon Dill said. “And you thought I would not idolize him?”
Nobody knows for certain what it is about English teachers specifically that attracts members of the LGBTQIA+ youth, but we asked them to try to elaborate.
“Well, we first tried to latch onto History teachers,” junior Kat Batera said. “But then that class got taken over by the ‘if-I-can-play-the-devil’s-advocate’ boys once we got to the Civil War lesson. After that, we went to English class and the teacher said she thought it was possible Nick could be gay for Gatsby in The Great Gatsby and we were all like… BINGO! We found our school mom.”
Ms. Pine is flattered by the mass of kids that want her to sign their yearbooks, but she is overwhelmed by the number of kids who think she is a licensed therapist.
“I’ll just be grading papers and then a kid will come in and be like, ‘I asked a boy out and he said he won’t date me because I watch anime…how do I seek revenge effectively?’ and I’m just like, ‘Why don’t we work on your persuasive essay skills?’ because that’s the only thing I am qualified to help with,” Pine said.
Pine has written fifteen college recommendation letters, she has graded over thirty poems titled “Girls like Girls,” and over 10 kids have come out to her first.
“There’s going to be a parade float of me at San Francisco Pride next year,” Pine said. “I have never even been to California. We are in Ohio.”