QUIZ: Is This Stomach Pain from Nerves, Gas or Immaculate Conception?

Has your tummy been bothering you more than normal lately? Are you starting to worry it’s due to more than just an increase in your wine and cheese consumption? Do people keep asking if you’re pregnant even though 2020 is a record dry spell for you? Figure it out once and for all by answering the questions below. 

What are your physical symptoms? 

A.) Burping, passing gas, cramps, or a knotted feeling in your abdomen

B.) Feeling pressure and an observable increase in the size of your abdomen

C.) Crying tears of blood accompanied by a strong smell of roses

D.) All of the above

What are your mental and emotional symptoms? 

A.) Very uneasy and full of doubt, worried about the future

B.) Regret going for that last slice of pizza, but I couldn’t throw it away, that would be wasting

C.) It is well with my soul

D.) None of the above 

What did you do last night? 

A.) Stayed up watching the news and doomscrolling Twitter for the latest election updates

B.) Cooked and ate a healthy balanced dinner but then Postmated Taco Bell at midnight 

C.) Was visited by the Holy Spirit and a choir of angels playing Barry White on harps 

D.) Doomscrolled Twitter while eating Taco Bell and listening to Barry White

What’s most important to you in your daily life?

A.) Abstaining from stressful situations that may cause anxiety

B.) Winning a chili eating contest 

C.) Staying free from original sin so you can be a vessel for the Messiah 

D.) Being close to a bathroom, preferably a clean one

What have you been watching on TV? 

A.) News, news, news. Haven’t you been watching? 

B.) Cooking shows mostly

C.) Television doesn’t interest me anymore. I feel a higher calling. 

D.) YouTube videos on my phone

Count up your answers. Here are the results:

Mostly A’s – You have a nervous stomach. It’s no big deal. You’re just sensitive to your surroundings. Take some time away from the news, social media, and your family. This is what we mean by self-care. It’s anything that gets you out of your bad habit spiral for 15 minutes. Take a deep breath and a long bath…without your phone! 

Mostly B’s – You have gas! Take a Beano or Lactaid before you hit the buffet and you’ll be fine. Have you been holding them in? You have. Don’t do that! Lay back, stretch out, and don’t hold in your toots for anyone. 

Mostly C’s – You’re about to be a mom! Virgin births are rare, but not out of the realm of possibility. Haven’t you seen the show Jane the Virgin? I hear it’s good but I keep forgetting to watch. Anyway, this is mostly positive news for you. You were chosen by God! Good for you! 

Mostly D’s – You have IBS. That’s irritable bowel syndrome, or the catch-all name for what doctors diagnose when they don’t know what the heck is going on with your stomach. Maybe try an elimination diet? We really don’t know. Good luck with that!

Paulina Combow
Author: Paulina Combow
Paulina is an LA-based comedian and writer from Kentucky with 9 years of club experience. You can find her doing Roast Battles at The Comedy Store, and entertaining senior citizens with Laughter on Call. Her writing has been featured in The Washington Post, Nashville Scene, and Reductress.