ATLANTA, GA – In what many have labeled “the real pandemic,” epidemiologists at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) have been getting closer to uncovering the cause of the problem plaguing the nation’s femmes: feet pic requests from internet strangers.
“It’s a problem we’ve been watching for a while,” says CDC researcher Dr. Laura Hoffman, conducting the interview in a lab coat to remind us to stop giggling because this is serious. “As soon as the problem arose, we knew immediately that men were frequently carriers of such audacity, but which ones specifically? We turned to Twitter, the world’s petri dish, for answers, and boy, were we not left disappointed.”
Unlike other, less important, viruses the Center has had to encounter over the last year, Hoffman confirms to the public that feet pic requests can’t be avoided by staying home or wearing a mask (“some people are extra into that” the doctor explained) and are often even exasperated by the preexisting condition of “being female on the internet.”
In clinical trials conducted with live subjects, Dr. Hoffman and her team discovered that the most likely indicator of making such lewd proposals is the utilization of Twitter’s default egg profile picture. “The most fascinating thing about our findings is not that gross people like to hide behind anonymity, but that those sending the DMs look like feet themselves. It’s a Freudian nightmare.”
The scientists also found that the chance of someone being a general internet pervert went up 5% with every number in someone’s handle. The team has also discovered a phenomenon of accounts fitting the same profile saying a lot of racist shit, but data is still being collected on whether there’s a connection.
The reactions from the woman community have been alarming, with many members publicly expressing their fears on the issue.
“Every time I log in and see I have my DM box lit up, I scream inside,” says Josie Pierce, a local internet person. “It’s never the same copy and pasted robot messages, either. Instead, they hit you with all kinds of lines. Sometimes, they just ask for pictures, but if you don’t nip it in the bud real fast, it’s a slippery slope. What was a guy requesting the kind of socks you wear will quickly become another sending you a prepaid shipping label so you can mail him your left black Nike running shoe for him to lick the bottom of! It’s disgusting and demeaning,” she pauses, “And a fantastic way to make money.”
