Sanitizing Your Hands After a Long Day Won’t Wash Away Last Month’s Sins, Tiffany

Okay, girl. You say you’ve been out and about all day—shopping, getting a drink outside at a bar; you even ducked into the nail salon for the first time in months (fully masked) to get a much-needed pedicure. You got home, washed your hands (thoroughly) and even threw on some hand sanitizer to seal the deal. But let’s not forget all of July, Tiffany.

The first week of the month, it was sleeping with that ethically non-monogamous guy who was most likely not being careful about The ‘Rona…aka definitely sleeping with other Tiffany’s, if you know what I mean. The second week, it was telling your Mom that you indeed had called your Grandma to wish her happy birthday, when you indeed had not. The third week, it was flipping off an old man because he was “walking too slowly down the damn f**cking sidewalk!” And the final week, it was lying about being sick to get out of going to yet another Zoom birthday party…for your best friend.

You haven’t exactly had the cleanest summer track record, Tiffany, and if I were you, I’d really reevaluate some things before you so serenely lay on the couch for another rerun of Gossip Girl, forgetting that just earlier, you were the basic girl’s version of the devil. Yes, that Purell gets rid of ninety-nine percent of the bacteria living on your hands, but does it get rid of ninety- nine percent of your mistakes? Not quite. You can do this girl, as long as you take the first step: admitting you have a problem. Admit you’re a sinner, and work from there. And who knows, maybe come Fall, you’ll have nothing to repent, and that sanitizer will make you feel like the true, new queen you are.

Anna Snapp
Author: Anna Snapp
Anna is a Brooklyn-based actor and writer, trying to figure which is more important to her: taking down the men on dating apps who refer to themselves as "humble", or watching enough terrible reality TV to officially lessen her value. Anna believes in progressive politics, Dua Lipa, and mediocre boxes of Sauvignon Blanc.