Shocking! Charmin Bears Dead in Non-Toilet Paper Related Accident

By now I’m sure you’ve heard the news. It’s all over all the big channels. Saw it on Facebook nearly as soon as I had my eyes open this morning. Yep, the Charmin bears have passed away. Gone to meet that big old toilet in the sky. Oh, you hadn’t heard? Yeah, it was gruesome. Disgusting, even. Went down somethin’ awful. Yeah, they were crossin’ I-95 and an SUV full of teens slid on black ice and just absolutely wrecked their shit. Horrible. Although, makes you wonder. 

Hm? No, I’m not sayin’ they deserved it. Hell, nobody on God’s green Earth deserves to get taken out by a Toyota and positively squished to high heaven. Hey, block the wind while I light up my cigar here for a second. Mm, thank you. Delicious. I know these little devils are bad for me but God, that sweet, sweet smoke… deliver me from evil. Anyway. 

You must think I’m a bad person for even suggesting there was an element of foul play here. But come on now. Think about it, honey. When those commercials come on, are you happy to see the bears? No. Shaking their fuzzy asses, boasting about no dingleberries. Lord knows I’m excited to not have a dingleberry. Yet you don’t see me hoppin’ on television shakin’ my big ass for the world to see. Makes me sick. They put the “ass” in “classless.”

I know it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead. But those commercials… they simply disturb me. They chill me to the bone. The real criminals here are not the drivers of that Toyota, or the poop bears, rather the marketing executives that pitched that idea. And all those who came after and let that monstrosity meet our airwaves. 

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think we need to say everything when it comes to our private business in the restroom. When the 8:15 express starts comin’ down the track… that’s between you and the good Lord. I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to see it. I certainly don’t want to have it on my television set when I’m watchin’ Frasier. So, am I glad they’re dead? No. My heart isn’t made of stone… despite what you may think. But it’s more complicated than that. Alright. Anyway. Your total comes to $49.95. Would you like to open a TJ Maxx credit card and save 10 percent today?


Photo: Charmin commercial, 2021

Callie Webb
Author: Callie Webb
Callie is a comedian, human being, and woman. She has a fondness for George Michael and videos of unlikely animal friendships.