In the pursuit of love, everyone knows the best way to get to someone’s heart is through material goods. Many old men try to bribe their way into the lives of young attractives with the promise of allowances, shopping sprees, and fancy dinners in order to get a 50/50 shot at an inkling of fake affection. Tragic, really.
There’s one man, however, that’s mastered the art: a man with not just one ho, but many. The literal man, myth and legend. Santa Claus.
Let’s think about this for a second. Santa is, and always has been the ultimate sugar daddy arrangement. He doesn’t send you creepy texts, get mad when you don’t post pictures with him on Instagram, or ask you to be the stepmother to his 35-year-old children. Father Christmas is a true gentleman, and coming down your chimney is on a donation-only basis.
It’s also worth thinking about how childhood misconceptions around Mr. Claus do him a disservice. Jolly Ol’ St. Nick with a belly full of jelly? Not exactly something you want to advertise on your Tinder bio. Do you think he’s truly happy being married to the same woman for hundreds of years? The only one shaking it like a red nose up at the workshop is Rudolph, and it’s not like he can fuck one of the elves. It turns out 22-hour shifts in semi-slavery isn’t exactly a turn on. Do you think it’s a coincidence that he’s watching us year-round? Checking to see if we’ve been naughty isn’t so that he knows what houses to skip, it’s how he makes his priority list.
Santa Claus is the only sugar daddy that doesn’t even guilt you or ask for much in return. He hand delivers you a free iPhone and you can’t even manage a goddamn plate of cookies and some milk? While Santa is a respectful man, it’s time we take the initiative to think about how we can truly give back. I think it’s time for all of us to switch our attitudes from GTFO to DTF.
In the end, we have to respect the scheme Santa has run for years. Managing thousands of women who know he’s messing with other girls but don’t get jealous is a game only he can pull off. Yeah, he’s old as fuck, has a trash diet, and dresses like Macklemore, but I believe his pros vastly outweigh his cons. He not only is a great sugar daddy, but he truly is the perfect man with his charitable works and his kindness to children.
This year? Let’s take a ride on the Santa Sleigh.
