In a recent Facebook post many described as “hella fired-up,” local 35 year-old Valerie Hornblatt pleaded with family and friends to stop asking her to do them a solid just because they assume she has nothing else going on.
The merlot-fueled missive, published in the wee hours of Sunday morning, lamented, “I feel like just because I’m unmarried without kids, people think I’m available to do…like, whatever. They just think, ‘Who could I pawn this off on?’ And I immediately come to mind.”
Hornblatt went on to describe her rich and fulfilling personal existence, which includes a full time job at an investment firm, weekend goat yoga with gal pals, and even a beginner’s watercolor painting class.
“So no, I do NOT have time to go pick up your dry-cleaning real quick,” she finally declared in no uncertain terms.
Responses to the somehow controversial post ranged from enthusiastic support to passive-aggressive faux apologies.
“My mom was like, ‘So sorry to have inconvenienced you. I guess I just thought I raised you to be the kind of person who is always willing to help.’ So I blocked her again. Ugh. It’s gonna be totes awk when I can’t tag her in Christmas pics this year, but my therapist says her martyr complex is just as hereditary as her psoriasis.”
Other childless female singletons related to Hornblatt’s plight. Among the many excellent points made in the post’s lengthy comments section were “They called this babysitting when I was a teenager, so why don’t they pay me for it now?” “You’d think people would at least throw you some gas money if you’re chauffeuring them around after a DUI,” and “Everyone only makes me the maid of honor because they think I have the time and disposable income to plan all this shit.”
Notably, single males without children seemed unable to grasp Hornblatt’s reluctance to simply refuse the hordes of loved ones enlisting her uncompensated assistance. In a since-deleted comment, ex-boyfriend Skyler Fuller replied, “ LOL. U never could say no, Val. That’s what I liked about U, tho! Ur such a giver!”
Fuller quickly withdrew the comment after a swift and effective trolling campaign by Hornblatt’s besties, but sources report it included numerous heart emojis as well as a single unexplained dolphin emoji which is now thought to be a typographical error rather than an inside joke.
When asked how she plans to rebuff the overwhelming deluge of favor requests going forward, Hornblatt says she is considering changing her phone number and deliberately leaving any suspicious Facebook messages on unread status.
“That way, I can always just say later on, ‘Omg, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see this for some reason!’”