It is a tough world out there for non-stereotype-conforming lesbians like myself. Are you actually a lesbian without a pair of nail clippers? (Just kidding. I obviously own those.)
There are so many conventional beliefs about lesbians. Like, short hair on top, long hair everywhere else. (Do you even know which is the carpet and which are the drapes?)
Vehicular predilections. I am not sure why most lesbians end up driving Subarus, but we do. When I traded in my Suby for a Nissan the whole community was aghast. I was able to save my Sapphic reputation by embellishing the new car with a rainbow-colored “I’m so gay I can’t even drive straight” bumper sticker. (Remarkably apt, as it turns out. I’m not a very good driver.)
Food preferences. Not all of us are vegans. I do love animals, but not enough to not eat them. And also not enough to want them inside my house. Yup, it’s true. I like neither dogs nor cats. And while good friends have found it in themselves to forgive me for this, it becomes a lot more complicated when one tries to date.
Dating profiles are so binary. Crunchy or smooth peanut butter? Beach holiday or museums? Books or films? Tegan or Sara? Ok, I made that last one up. But the point remains valid. So many of these choices – I don’t know! Both. Maybe. Yes. Depends on the day of the week. Ask me later. I am hangry. Can we go eat now?
But the one that always raises suspicions, as well as eyebrows, is when a potential date asks me this question: do you prefer dogs or cats? The answer is neither. I love animals – at a distance. I love those kitten TikTok accounts. I adore #dogsofinstagram. I am happy to listen to your stories about being a dog mom. But that’s kind of it. It’s not only camping with bears or swimming with sharks that are not on my wish list. I am also not wild about putting animals on a leash and walking them around the neighborhood. And I don’t like how they make me feel guilty when I don’t know what they want, coming at me with those big doggy eyes or those soulful meows. I can barely figure out how to meet my human friends’ needs. If it can’t make “I-statements” I can’t have it around me is what I’m saying.
Being typecast is annoying. So much of what people think they know, they do not know at all. What’s the point of having a rainbow flag if there isn’t space for all the colors? Though there’s one stereotype I don’t have any problem with at all. Lesbians are rumored to have and provide the best orgasms. I am – how shall I put this? – I am down with that.
