In an act of mercy seldom recorded, the sun decided to shine its rays yet another five minutes before casually disappearing beneath the horizon this evening. While its motives may be unclear, the local population is certainly grateful.
Local Kathy Deville had this to say: “I just couldn’t believe it. I was out walking my dog and I thought to myself, why isn’t it completely dark yet? It’s almost 4:30 in the afternoon. That’s when I realized: winter is probably gonna end soon. And then I got so excited I threw up in my yard.”
While we cannot confirm or deny Kathy’s predictions, we do know that we’re thankful for the extra rays of light. In the last few months, vitamin D levels have plummeted in the Northern Hemisphere and caused numerous problems: seasonal depression, a general lack of will to live, and pasty, terrifyingly dry skin, to name a few. Doctors, scientists, and TV meteorologists alike have drawn the same conclusion: we did something right to appease the sun, and now we will be rewarded with more light each day. Whatever act of kindness it was that gained us this sunlight, we surely owe our lives to whoever did it.
A marked increase in positive YouTube comments were noted as a result of this extra sunlight, as well as fewer murders, and even more hugs. According to our sources, outdoor frolicking increased by fifteen percent. That’s a MASSIVE jump from the previous days’ three percent high. It seems with these precious minutes of light added to our day, we’ve all gained a shred or two of humanity. And that’s something to celebrate.
“I just can’t believe what a difference it made in my day,” Jennifer Snork told us. “One minute I was staring down the bottle, the next it was 4:32 and I could clearly see my neighbors across the street. They still have their Christmas lights up, but I wasn’t even shaking with rage like I usually am. I felt fine. It was like the sun’s rays kissed me on my face, lifted me up, and set me on a path to enlightenment.” That’s great, Jennifer!
We can’t wait to see what the sun has in store for us tomorrow. Ideally, more light. And if for some reason that gas giant decides to abandon us again, we’ll have no choice but to return to our cavernous homes and hunker down beneath fifty blankets and Shonda Rhimes’ latest masterpiece, Inventing Anna, to keep us sane until spring returns and life is worth living again.