The way I see it, bad times call for bad movies. You might be the type of person who copes with a bad breakup by diving into fun distractions, but I’m the type who listens to the same sad song on repeat until I’ve fully tortured myself. Think of it as an emotional hair of the dog.
So naturally, I’m coping with the stench of 2020 by watching the best smelly trash that can be found on major streaming services. This week, we’re focusing on the ripest summer garbage that Amazon Prime has to offer. Slum it and savor it, my friends.
1) Never Too Young to Die (1986)
When I learned that John Stamos, Vanity, and Gene Simmons had all starred in the same movie, I knew I had to see it.
A pre Full House Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a gymnast with his own AMAZINGLY cheesy theme song that plays as he flips on a trampoline. And oh yeah, Lance’s dad is a secret agent who dies and leaves a farm for him to inherit? Honestly, this movie is so confusing, so forgive me if I’m wrong about that. Anyway, Stargrove’s dad left behind his smokin’ hot secret agent partner (Vanity) at the farm as well. And now, Stamos and Vanity must band together to fight against Gene Simmons, who plays a hermaphrodite super-villain determined to poison the city’s water supply for reasons I couldn’t comprehend. This film is the filet mignon of bad movies, so dig in and enjoy.
2) Adore (2013)
Much like Mamma Mia!, this movie is a gorgeous, beach escape that’s bad despite it’s significant star power. But rather than breaking into Swedish pop songs, best friends Lil and Roz (Naomi Watts and Robin Wright) swap hunky sons and have simultaneous, steamy affairs with them. You know, like you do. I mean they’re beautiful, their sons are beautiful, everything’s legal and consensual… I get it. But also they kind of helped raise each other’s sons so it’s a little too Woody and Soon-Yi, if you catch my drift.
But if your favorite porn categories are “MILF” and “incest,” think of this movie as a more art house way to get off. Because despite the super slow scenes, confusing time jumps, and lack of adequate stakes under the circumstances, this movie is ultimately a bunch of hot people either lying on a beach or having sex. And who doesn’t need that right now?
3) Stay Tuned (1992)
This movie was my absolute FAVORITE when I was a kid. I was obsessed with it. And after watching it again 22 years later, I still stand by it. That being said, it’s far from high art. John Ritter plays Roy Knable, a couch potato who’s duped into a free trial of a massive satellite dish by a creepy, nighttime salesman. Turns out, that salesman is literally from Hell and SO ARE ALL 666 CHANNELS ON THE TV! Yikes! This movie takes off when Roy and his wife, Helen, are sucked into the enormous dish by a very 1992-esque streak of purple electricity. And now they must fight for their lives by surviving each silly Hell channel. They face deadly consequences as game show contestants, then cartoons, then dancers in a Salt-N-Pepa music video. And as they try to survive Hell, they also attempt to save their marriage? Stay Tuned is a perfect blend of cheesy, dated, and dark, so I’m confident that it will scratch your worst itch.
Image: Rotten Tomatoes